You're Kidding
by xotakux2002x
Summary: mpreg fic! this is why you don't make bets with deidara. bad things tend to happen! kisaita kakuhidan sasodei peinkonan, slight yaoi, mostly pure chaos though
1. prologue

"A bet?" Kisame asked.

"Yup," Deidara replied.

"What kind of bet?"

The blonde and the shark were sitting in the living room, talking. Sasori had thrown Deidara out of their room for being too loud, and Itachi was out on a solo mission. They'd started talking with one another, and Deidara had asked the shark if he wanted to make a bet.

"Simple, un. Itachi's always acting like a girl, and I'm betting you've wondered what it would be like if Itachi was a chick when you guys did it, un. Right?"

"Maybe," Kisame said, not entirely sure he liked where this was going.

"All right. Here's the bet. You have to make Itachi henge into a girl and have sex with him/her then, un."

"…You're kidding me."

"Nope. Now, here's the deal. You do that, and I never put another bomb in your room, un."

"And if I fail?"

"I get to eat all your sushi for the next month, un."

"Deidara, how would you even know if I did it with girl Itachi?"

"Konan has web cams in all our rooms. I'd just get the tape from her, un."

"I'm not doing it."

"What, is the shark chicken, un?"

"No, but he's not suicidal either!"

"Do it or I'll tell Itachi that you had an affair with Shamu during your last trip to Sea World."

"You are pure evil."

"Danna's rubbing off on me, un."

--

The first thing Itachi noticed when he entered his room was that Kisame was missing. The second thing was the sake bottle sitting on the bedside table.

He frowned as he walked over to their bed, sitting near the bottle of alcohol. Kisame didn't normally drink, and the weasel wasn't much of a drinker either, so why was this here?

It was then that he noticed a small red bow wrapped around the neck of the bottle. This was a gift? Wait a minute…gifts usually meant either a holiday or other special occasion had come up.

Now Itachi's confusion turned to panic. Had he forgotten something? No, their anniversary had been a few months back (he remembered that night very well) and Kisame's birthday wasn't for another two months, so what was it?

Not putting too much thought into the action, Itachi opened the bottle and quickly downed a mouthful. If he couldn't remember the event, he should at least be able to use the excuse, "I was too drunk to remember it."

--

One hour. That was how long Kisame waited after the weasel got home. One hour of Itachi, alone in there room with a bottle of sake. Hopefully, the weasel had drunk some of it by now.

Kisame knew that if he'd simply offered the sake to his partner, Itachi would have known something was wrong, and immediately gotten the truth out of the shark. Kisame, having no desire whatsoever to die early, had opted to just leave the alcohol out where Itachi could find it, and pray that the weasel would drink his gift.

Why? Having Itachi drunk out of his skull would make it easier to get him to henge. In fact, as best Kisame had been able to figure out, it was the only way.

Taking a deep breath, Kisame grabbed the doorknob, turned it, and burst into their room.

"Kisame's home!" Itachi slurred, smiling and waving from the bed.

Kisame blinked in shock, rooted to the spot. Slowly, his eyes traveled to the bedside table, falling on the overturned sake bottle. Yup, there was no doubt in his mind now.

Itachi Uchiha was drunk.

"Hey Itachi," he said as he walked over to the bed. "Have fun on your mission?"

"No," the weasel said, pouting. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Kisame said, bringing his face close to Itachi's. "So, how about we have a little fun to make up for you being gone?"

"Yeah," Itachi said, giving the shark a rather sloppy kiss.

"Hold on," Kisame said, pushing the Uchiha away. "I want to play a little game."

"No games," Itachi whined before trying to kiss the shark again.

"You'll like this one."

"Hmm?"

"Itachi, I was wondering if you could henge and have sex at the same time," Kisame said, all the while hoping he wasn't overplaying his hand.

"Maybe," the weasel said, frowning. "But I don't wanna."

"Please?" Kisame said. "I promise we'll have fun."

"Really?"

"Yes."

Itachi paused, and then began slowly making hands signs, the alcohol obviously taking a toll on his mind. Finally there was a poof of smoke, which cleared away to reveal a female Itachi.

The curves were more defined, there were tiny breasts on Itachi's chest, and a few parts were missing from his crotch, but Kisame could tell it was still the Uchiha. "Nice," he commented.

"Shh. Time for fun," Itachi giggled as he climbed into the shark's lap and kissed him.

--

_"Why does my head hurt?"_ Itachi thought. He slowly opened his eyes and then hurriedly shut them, hissing. The sunlight burned!

Kisame heard the noise and woke up, staring at the lump under his blanket. "Itachi?"

"Shh! You're too loud," the weasel grumbled, rubbing his head.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Hn." Kisame took that as a 'No, now beat it,' and climbed out of their bed before dressing and exiting the room.

He walked into the kitchen, hoping to find some breakfast. Instead, he found Deidara. "Well, I did it," he said, sitting down by the blonde.

"I'll buy that when I see the tape, un."

"YOU!" Kisame and Deidara looked up in time to see Konan hurl a tape at the shark, hitting him square in the face. "How dare you take the sacred act of yaoi and twist it like that! You'll burn that tape if you know what's good for you," she growled, storming out of the room.

"Here you go," Kisame muttered, handing the tape to the blonde and rubbing his now bruised face.

"Great, I lost, un. Hey, where's Itachi?"

"In our room, whining about a hangover."

"He got drunk?!"

"How else was I supposed to make him henge?!"

"Good point, un."

--

The next two weeks were relatively calm. If Itachi noticed that Deidara had halted his attacks on the two, he didn't say anything. Things were completely normal (or as normal as they get for the Akatsuki). This could only mean that disaster was just around the corner.

It happened one morning. Kisame had just come in from training, and was hoping to kick back and relax for a while. That idea vanished into thin air when he walked into his and Itachi's room and heard multiple popping noises coming from the bathroom. Curious, he poked his head inside. "You ok?"

Instantly he realized how dumb a question that had been.

Itachi was standing before him, henged into a girl and looking rather disheveled. "What's with the-"

"Just watch," Itachi ordered. He made the appropriate hand sign, which was immediately followed by a cloud of smoke. However, just as quickly, another pop and cloud of smoke came, clearing away to reveal female Itachi. "What just happened?" Kisame asked.

"I tried to undo the jutsu, but I didn't work. For some reason, I'm stuck as a girl."

"We need to get leader."

"Hn."

--

Pein insisted on keeping the weasel confined to the hospital area until they figured out what was wrong with him. "This could be some new kind of jutsu," Pein said. "One that traps the person as the last thing they henged into."

"Wonderful," Kisame growled.

"We're doing everything we can, Kisame. Running blood tests, giving him different forms of nutrition, even looking into getting a real medical ninja. But for now-" the leader was cut off as Konan ran into the room, looking rather upset. "Yes?"

"Come with me," she said, dragging her boyfriend out of the room. Kisame and Itachi were left alone, waiting impatiently for the leader's return.

They soon heard shouts coming from the hall. Mostly Pein was yelling, with Konan answering in short snaps. Something about being impossible, then double-checking the data…at last, the fight stopped, with a grim looking Pein returning to the room. "What was that all about?" Kisame asked.

"Konan just figured out what's wrong with Itachi," Pein said, rubbing his temples. "The answer showed up in his test results."

"Well?"

Pein shut his eyes, took a deep breath, then looked the weasel in the eye. "Congrats kid. You're pregnant."


	2. part 1

"What did you just say?" Kisame asked, seeing that the Uchiha was unable to speak at the moment.

"I said Itachi is pregnant. Knocked up. With child. Carrying a-"

"Itachi is a guy," Kisame said.

"Not at the moment," the pierced man pointed out. "My guess is that you two did it when Itachi was like this, and he ended up getting pregnant. His body just henged into a female form to support the child."

"Kisame." The shark turned around very slowly to see the weasel glaring at him. "What did you do?"

"Why is this my fault?!"

"Because," the Uchiha hissed, "if I am pregnant, then this kid is yours and that means you fucked me when I was a girl. What happened?"

"Well, um, you remember the sake I gave you a few weeks back?"

"Hn."

"I think I'll leave now," Pein hurriedly stated. Even he could sense the impending doom approaching the shark.

"Well, see, I thought it would be funny to see what you looked like as a girl, you know-"

"Ha ha ha," Itachi said flatly, death in his eyes.

"And, well, after that, I just sorta went with it, and you didn't see to mind…"

--

"YOU KNOCKED ME UP WHEN I WAS DRUNK?!"

The entire base froze at the yell. "Sasori, that sounded like Itachi," Kakuzu said.

"I think you're right," the puppet master agreed.

Seconds later several loud crashes echoed through the base, followed by Kisame running into the kitchen with Itachi fast on his heels. "Itachi, calm down!" he begged.

"Make me!" the weasel screamed while hurling fireballs after the shark.

"I think we outta get the hell out of here," Hidan said.

"Agreed, un," Deidara replied, the two leading their semes out of the kitchen at top speed.

The shark took cover behind the counter, trying to catch his breath. "Itachi, I swear I wouldn't have done this if I'd known this would happen!"

"You bastard," Itachi hissed, Sharingan eyes flashing red. Suddenly, an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion swept over his body. His eyes returned to their normal black, then shut.

Kisame heard a soft thump, and crawled out of his hiding spot to see his partner lying unconscious on the floor. All fear was forgotten; something was wrong with his love. "Angel!"

--

"He overdid it," Pein explained calmly. "His body's devoting most of its energy to helping the baby grow, and keeping him in female form. Using his Sharingan eyes simply put too much stress on the body."

"Then get the kid out!" Kisame ordered. "It's hurting Itachi-"

"Out of the question," Pein said.

"WHAT?!"

"Kisame, there are a grand total of three people who can carry on the Sharingan trait. One of them is a power-hungry you know what, the second is a bratty kid, and the third one is currently laying in a hospital bed, a child growing in them."

"You're banking on the kid getting Itachi's eyes," the shark spat out.

"Correct. You don't have any kekka genkai of your own, which adds to the chance of Itachi passing on his."

"But-"

"I would have thought you'd be happy about this. Itachi won't have to go on any missions until the child is born, and not for a few weeks after. He'll be nice and safe."

"And pregnant."

"Kisame, he's keeping the kid. Accept it and deal," Pein said, before calmly walking out the door.

Kisame shook his head. Perfect. This was just perfect.

Seconds later, Itachi began stirring in the bed. Kisame was at his side in a moment, sitting in a chair beside the bed. "Kisame?" the weasel asked.

"Yeah, I'm right-"

WHAM

Kisame rubbed his cheek, wincing as he did so. Oh right, the Uchiha was still mad at him. "Itachi, I just talked to Pein. He said he wants you to have the kid."

"…" the weasel rolled over, turning his back to the shark. Kisame had expected as much. "Hey, don't get mad at the messenger, Itachi! I'm just telling you what Sir Leader said, and there's nothing we can do about it."

"Go away," Itachi muttered. Clearly agitated, the weasel silently pulled the covers over his head.

"Not likely."

"…"

"Look, you have to believe me, angel. If I had even considered it possible for you to get, um, like this," he went on, not wanting to say the p word, "I wouldn't have done it."

"..Did you ask Pein about getting rid of it?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, but like I said, he refused! The jerk-"

"Get out."

"What?"

"Kisame, get out of here before I claw your throat out with my bare hands," the Uchiha ordered, voice cold and firm. Startled, the shark did as commanded, rising to his feet and leaving the room. Itachi burrowed further under the blankets, lost in thought.

--

Several hours later, the weasel heard the door to his hospital room open again. If it was Kisame again, he was going to carry out his earlier threat. "Itachi?" That shark was about to lose his throat.

"Itachi, we need to talk." The Uchiha heard the sound of a chair being slid across the floor, probably so Kisame could sit down a safe distance from the unstable weasel. "I think I figured out what set you off. Not the first time; the second."

"…"

"You got upset when I talked about how Pein wanted you to keep it. Or rather, when I told you I'd asked him to get the kid out of you."

"…"

"Itachi, is that because…you want to have the kid?"

"…Yes."

"But why?!"

Itachi threw back the covers and sat up, glaring daggers at his partner. "Because, Kisame, I do."

"I repeat, why?"

"I don't know."

Kisame's eyes widened. Itachi not knowing something? There was a first.

"But, if I had to guess," the Uchiha went on, "I'd say it's because this kid isn't just a baby. It's yours."

Kisame opened his mouth to speak, shut it, then opened it again. "Let me get this straight. You want to have this kid, because I'm the dad?" A death glare from the weasel only made him roll his eyes. "Itachi, you're the mom in this. Deal with it."

"Hn."

"Geez, don't I feel like an ass right about now," Kisame muttered, rubbing the back of his head, not sure what to say next.

"You should," Itachi said.

"I suppose I deserved that."

"Hn," Itachi replied, a hint of a smile on his face now.

"If you want the kid, I don't have a problem with letting you keep it," Kisame said. "I just didn't think you'd want a baby."

Itachi motioned for the shark to come closer, which he did. As soon as Kisame was close enough, Itachi wrapped his arms around the shark, face buried in the larger man's chest.

Kisame sat down on the edge of the bed, wrapping around the Uchiha and thanking high heaven that he'd been forgiven. "How about we never speak of that again?" he suggested.

"Hn," Itachi agreed softly.


	3. part 2

There were several things Kisame knew he could expect from Itachi's pregnancy. Strange cravings, morning sickness, and the like. Still, the Uchiha's mood swings took him by surprise. Namely because he wasn't used to the Uchiha showing any emotion at all.

"Will you still love me when I'm fat?" Itachi asked one evening.

"You're not getting fat," Kisame replied, turning the page in his book. "Just heavier."

"You're avoiding the question," Itachi whimpered, eyes tearing up.

"No, I'm just stating the obvious," Kisame argued, setting down his book.

"Answer my question!"

"Of course I'll love you!" Kisame said, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender.

"You're just saying that because you don't want to make me mad," Itachi muttered, sulking. "What if our kid does that? What if they're scared of me? What if I'm a bad parent and they hate me?"

"Itachi, you'll be a good parent. You're doing a great job as a mother so far."

"I am turning back into a guy as soon as this is over!" Itachi snapped, slapping Kisame across the face. Instantly tears returned to his eyes. "I'm sorry, Kisame."

"It's ok," Kisame replied calmly, rubbing his cheek. He was used to this. Itachi had to vent his frustration somehow, and since the Sharingan was off limits until after the baby was born, he had to settle for hitting the shark.

Itachi smiled and wrapped his arms around Kisame's neck, nuzzling into the shark's cheek. "I love you."

"I know, angel," Kisame said, stroking the weasel's back gently. Itachi seemed to be in control of his moods at the moment, allowing the shark to relax. "I wonder what it'll be," he muttered thoughtfully.

"Dunno. But if it's a boy, I want it to look like you."

Kisame smiled. "Thanks. If it's a girl, I want her to look like you."

WHAM

Kisame found himself on his back a moment later, staring up at the ceiling, lying on the floor. "When will you learn, Kisame," he muttered, rubbing his recently punched nose.

"I want food," Itachi stated, climbing over his fallen boyfriend and heading out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time Kisame arrived in the kitchen, the room was filled with the scent of beef ramen. He looked to his partner, and a sick look crossed his face. "Ramen and pickle slices?" he asked.

"Hn," Itachi replied, taking another bite of his concoction.

"That's disgusting."

"Got that right, un." The two Akatsuki turned around to see Deidara standing in the doorway, a bag in hand. "I brought you something," he said, walking across the room and setting the bag down on the table.

Curious, Itachi opened the bag and peered inside. "Dango?"

"Yup, un."

"No thanks," the weasel said, pushing the treat away.

Kisame and Deidara stared at him in disbelief. "What did you just say, un?"

"I said I don't want dango. It smells gross."

"That's weird," Deidara said, shaking his head. "You've never turned dango down before, un."

"I don't want it, ok?!" Itachi snapped. The next instant he put his head down, muttering about cruel blondes.

Deidara looked to Kisame for an explanation. The man only shrugged his shoulders and mouthed the words, "mood swings." "Well if you don't want it, I'll eat it, un," Deidara stated, picking up the sweet and popping a stick into his mouth. "At least I tried to make amends."

"What for?" Itachi asked, his question muffled by his shirt sleeve.

"Getting you into this mess, un."

"Hmm?" Itachi looked up.

"Well, see, I made a bet with Kisame to see if he could have sex with you while you were a girl, un, so he got you drunk and did it, which is how you ended up like this, un," Deidara explained, ignoring the signals to shut up Kisame was desperately trying to send him.

"...You made a bet with Kisame," Itachi slowly repeated. "To see if he could screw me while I was a woman."

"Uh-huh. Didn't he tell you, un?"

"No," Itachi spat out, bending his fork in half.

"...Oops, un."

"Run," Kisame whispered, bolting from the room moments before Itachi pounced.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Alright. We've removed the bones fragments from Deidara's internal organs, taken care of the head wounds, and bandaged the burns. Kisame's cracked ribs should knit back together in a few weeks, and we finally managed to stop the bleeding. That being said," Pein went on, looking at the nearby Uchiha, "you are forbidden from leaving your room until this pregnancy is over."

"I'm sorry, Kisame," Itachi whimpered.

"It's ok, angel," Kisame replied, praying the painkillers would kick in soon.


	4. part 3

The next two months of Kisame's life could best be described as an insane balancing act.

Pein had started sending him on solo assignments, leaving the pregnant Uchiha by himself for days on end. When he got back, he then had to split his "free time" between doing the paperwork for his missions (a task usually left to the Uchiha), spending time with Itachi, enduring the weasel's sickness and mood swings, and then training on the side. Naturally, he was about to drop dead from exhaustion.

--

"Kisame!" Deidara cried one morning as he rushed across the kitchen to the table, where Kisame was sitting. The shark had obviously been about to eat breakfast when he'd passed out into his cereal bowl, and now appeared to be drowning.

A few good shakes from the bomber awoke Kisame, and he jerked himself into a sitting position, spluttering. "What happened?"

"You almost drowned in your cornflakes again, un," Deidara said, shaking his head. "You'd be better off sticking to pancakes until you get some sleep, un."

"I can't help it," the shark muttered while rubbing his eyes. "I didn't get back until three in the morning, and Itachi was still up. You wouldn't happen to know if pregnancy causes insomnia, would you?"

"I dunno," the blonde replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "But I do know that if you don't get things under control soon, it's all going to blow up in your face, un."

"Wonderfully analogy," the shark muttered, pushing away his cereal bowl and standing. "I'm going to see about getting a little sleep, ok?"

"Fine, un," Deidara replied, grabbing the taller man's dishes and carrying them to the sink.

As soon as Kisame entered the room, a retching noise assaulted his ears. He sighed. Sleep would have to wait.

He walked into the bathroom, not surprised in the least to find Itachi bent over the toilet, puking up his guts. He kneeled down beside his partner, holding the weasel's black hair out of the way. "Thanks," Itachi managed to get out before hurling again.

"Don't mention it," Kisame replied. Finally, Itachi managed to stop puking. He slowly rose to his feet, arms wrapped tightly around Kisame's for support. "You wanna lie down?" the shark asked.

Itachi shook his head. "I'm hungry."

Great. Now Kisame had to make a trek to the kitchen. "What do you want?"

"Pickles, peanut butter, and a banana." Kisame didn't even bat an eye at the Uchiha's request. Strange as it sounded, he'd grown used to Itachi's unorthodox food choices. He was just grateful that the weasel hadn't asked for any cooked foods this time. It meant he could return to the room that much sooner.

When the shark came back, he quickly handed the weasel his food and crawled into their bed. "What's wrong?" Itachi asked, dipping a pickle spear into the peanut butter before taking a large bite.

"Nothing."

"Hn," Itachi replied in disbelief.

"I'm just tired," Kisame growled, wanting the weasel to be quiet so he could sleep.

"Kisame, you can't be that tired-"

"What would you know?!" Kisame snapped, sitting up and turning on the weasel. "I have been out on one of Pein in the ass's assignments for the past three days, so I am dead tired! But I can't just sleep when I get home, oh no, because you're all lonely and desperate for attention, so I have to stay up for hours, then nearly drown in my cereal, and then I get up here and you're barfing, then whining for food, so I have to get that, and then you tell me I'm not that tired?! All you've been doing is sitting around the room for the last few weeks, doing nothing! Maybe you wouldn't be so whiny and needy if you could just walk around the base, but you're too much of a psycho for that, aren't you?!" Kisame stopped speaking, panting heavily.

Itachi was staring at him with wide eyes, looking like he was about to burst into tears. Kisame felt something tear at his heart; he hadn't meant to go off on his beloved like that. "Itachi-"

SLAP

"Get out," Itachi ordered, fury in his eyes.

"Angel-"

"Get out NOW!" the Uchiha ordered, already reaching for his kunais. Kisame bolted from the room, slamming the door and hearing several knives embed themselves in the wood. Well that had gone wonderfully.

--

Hours later Kisame was sitting on the couch, staring off into space. Now his mind was too full of worry for the weasel to allow him to sleep. He groaned, holding his head in his hands. Now what?

The first thought that came to mind was to make Itachi a peace offering. With what? The weasel didn't care for dango right now, and Kisame hadn't been able to figure out which food had replaced the weasel's former favorite. That left one other option; give Itachi time to cool off, then go in there and grovel. Not the most appealing plan, but the best he could come up with right now. Going seventy-two hours without sleep can really screw up your thinking process.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~that night~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Praying Itachi was now in a better mood, Kisame cautiously turned the doorknob and opened the door to their room. "Itachi?" he asked quietly, completely ready to make a run for it should the need arise.

The Uchiha was lying in their bed, back to the door. The shark took a chance and walked into the room, gently shutting the door behind him. "Angel, are you awake?"

"Hn."

Monosyllabic answer. Not good. "Itachi, about earlier-"

The weasel rolled over, glaring daggers at the shark, his expression clearly reading, 'You had better have a damn good excuse.' Kisame gulped before going on. "Look, I snapped because I was tired, and I just wanted to sleep." He could tell from the look on Itachi's face that were it not for the fetus, the Uchiha would have activated his Sharingan by now. "I didn't want to snap at you! Really, anything could have set me off at that point in time, even Pein! It just happened to be you that did it…angel, I'm so sorry. Really, I am."

Gradually, the weasel's glare softened, and he finally shut his eyes and let out a soft sigh. "Come here, before I kill you." Kisame obeyed, walking to the bed and climbing in beside the Uchiha.

Itachi grabbed Kisame's arm, his fingernails digging into the blue flesh. "Do you think I like this?" he hissed, grip tightening. Kisame winced; any tighter, and the weasel's nails would break his skin. "There is nothing I hate more than seeing you leave and knowing I can't go with you, because it will hurt our kid. Being stuck here, by myself, having to ask Konan or Deidara to bring me food…it's torture, you stupid shark," he spat out, pulling Kisame's arm close to his chest and practically crushing it in a hug.

Kisame wrapped his free arm around the weasel, eventually freeing his other arm to do the same. "I'm sorry," he muttered.

"You already said that," Itachi replied, gently smacking the shark's head.

"I know. Doesn't change the fact that I am."

"Stupid shark," Itachi murmured, nuzzling his face against the larger man's chest. When he didn't get a reply, he looked up to see that Kisame had fallen asleep.

"You know, you're not the only one who hasn't slept," Itachi muttered, his eyelids drooping shut as he spoke. "I can't sleep when you're not here."


	5. part 4

~~~~~~~~~~three months later~~~~~~~~~~

Itachi was finally showing physical signs of being pregnant. The Uchiha's belly was sticking out now, growing bigger little by little as the days went on. His morning sickness had finally passed, but his strange appetite remained unchanged. He'd even managed to get his mood swings fairly under control, so Pein would let him leave his room now. However, the Uchiha still rarely left his chambers for one reason; Konan.

"You have to tell me what gender it is!" Konan begged.

"Konan, not even Kisame and I will know until it's born," the Uchiha explained for the thousandth time. The two Akatsuki had decided they'd let the gender be a surprise.

"No fair!" the female whined. "How am I supposed to know what color clothes to get?!"

"Get black."

"We are not raising an emo child," Kisame said, walking into the room.

"Then red."

"Won't that agitate the baby?"

"Hn."

"Hey, where are Deidara and Sasori?" Kisame asked. "I haven't seen them all day."

"Pein decided that, as punishment for getting Itachi knocked up, they had to go out and get the medical ninja that will handle the birth," Konan explained.

"How is that a punishment?" Kisame demanded.

"Sasori is frustrated, because he considers it a waste of time. And who do you think he's going to take that out on?"

"Deidara," Itachi answered.

"Yup."

"Damn, Sir Leader can be malicious," Kisame stated.

"I know! Isn't it dreamy?" Konan said.

"…You have weird taste in men."

"This coming from the guy dating the emo weasel?"

"Touché."

--

A few days later Sasori and Deidara returned with a doctor and, in Deidara's case, a pronounced limp. "Sasori got mad?" Itachi guessed.

"Shut up, un," the bomber commanded, wincing as he sat down on the couch. "I'm lucky I can even walk at all."

"Is the medic scarred for life?"

"Not like it matters, un," Deidara replied. "We're killing him once the kid's out of you, right?"

"Hn."

"So it really doesn't matter that he overheard danna and me going at it, un." The blonde moved closer and tilted his head slightly. "You got bigger, un," he stated, poking the weasel's stomach. "It's weird, seeing you pregnant."

"…"

"Kinda funny, too. I bet I could beat you in a fight now, un."

WHAM

Itachi watched calmly as Deidara flew across the room, crashing into a wall and falling limply to the ground. "Idiot."

--

Kisame withheld a sigh as Itachi turned over for the umpteenth time that night. "Will he just settle down already?"

"Kisame!"

The shark jumped at the excited whisper and turned over to face Itachi. The weasel grabbed Kisame's hand, hurriedly pressing it against his stomach. The shark raised a brow, about to voice his curiosity-

When he felt something push against his hand.

His eyes widened, nearly bugging out of his head when the action was repeated a little later. "It's kicking," he stated, unable to think of anything else to say.

Itachi nodded, a rare look of excitement in his eyes. "It doesn't like it when I sleep on my side, so it always throws a fit. This is the first time it's kicked so much."

A grin broke out on Kisame's face as he slid down in the bed, pressing his lips to Itachi's stomach. "Hey, settle down," he ordered, laying his head against the Uchiha's belly. "Angel wants to sleep, you know." The next kick gently pushed against his cheek, making him shake his head. "Great. It's not even born yet, and the kid doesn't listen to me."

Itachi smiled, turning over to lie on his back. Kisame frowned; he'd been hoping to feel the child kick a little longer. "It'll still be kicking in the morning," Itachi stated, seeing the look on Kisame's face. "But I want to sleep."

The shark nodded, moving back up the bed to lie beside Itachi. "How long has it been kicking?"

"Just a little while," Itachi admitted. "It's been nudging me for a few weeks." He heard a small pained sound and smirked up at the shark. "Jealous?"

"I'd better be the first one to hold the kid after you," Kisame said, running his fingers gently over the weasel's stomach.

"You _are_ jealous."

"You've gotten to carry our kid around for almost six months," Kisame explained. "I want a chance to hold them."

"Hn," Itachi replied, twisting his head and kissing the shark gently on the lips. "Sleep," he ordered.

"Whatever you say," Kisame replied before pulling the covers up over both of them. In only a matter of moments, both Akatsuki members were asleep.


	6. part 5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~months go by~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kisame opened the refrigerator door, immediately followed by a sigh. The fridge was empty. Again.

The shark walked out of the kitchen and straight into the living room, looking for his partner. Sure enough, there was Itachi, sitting on the couch and eating a loaf of bread that was dipped into a jar of peanut butter at intervals. "Damn Itachi, how much are you going to eat?"

"As much as the baby needs. And I though you said you'd still love me if I got fat."

Kisame merely shook his head and sat down by his lover. Itachi had reached the phase of his pregnancy where he was practically gaining a pound a week, and was eating the rest of the Akatsuki out of house and home.

The Uchiha suddenly grabbed hold of Kisame's hand and brought it to his stomach, pressing it against his bulging belly. It didn't take long for Kisame to feel the baby kick against his hand. "It's getting more active lately, isn't it?" he asked, spreading his fingers out against the weasel's stomach.

"Hn," Itachi affirmed.

"If you get much bigger, your stomach's gonna pop, un." The two looked up to see Deidara leaning against the doorway. He smiled and pushed himself up, walking over to the couch. "When's the due date, un?"

"Two weeks from now," Kisame replied, smiling as he felt another kick against his fingers.

"What do you want?" Itachi asked, positively radiating annoyance.

"I've figured out how to beat you, un."

"Deidara, we've been over this before," Kisame said. "You are never going to beat Itachi. Give up while you're only a little behind."

"But I've got it this time, un!"

"All right. What is it?" Itachi asked, mildly curious.

"This," Deidara said, grinning as he picked up the remote, held it in front of Itachi's face…

and dropped it on the floor.

Despite the confused looks on the other two's faces, Deidara's smile did not waver. "Pick it up, un," he commanded.

Itachi rolled his eyes and bent forward, only to find that his stomach got in the way. He made several more attempts, meeting with the same result each time. He finally got off the couch and kneeled down, reaching for it and once again failing. "I knew it," Deidara said smugly while beaming widely. "What are you gonna do now, un?"

WHAM

Five seconds later Deidara's head was pinned under Itachi's shoe. "Pick it up," the weasel ordered, applying more pressure to the blonde's head.

"Itachi, you might want to take it easy," Kisame suggested as he heard several cracks coming from the blonde's skull. "Stress isn't good for you in your condition."

"My condition?" the weasel hissed, turning to Kisame. The shark instantly knew he'd screwed up. "Kisame, I am pregnant. I'm not dying, and I'm not some sideshow attraction," he growled, looking down at the now-free bomber.

"We know that, Itachi. We're just…um…"

"Well?"

"Taking advantage of a once in a lifetime opportunity, un?"

Before Itachi could pummel the doomed sculptor, Konan ran into the room with a determined look on her face. "Itachi, I am not leaving you alone until you tell me what your baby is!"

"Konan," Kisame said while eyeing the ticked off weasel warily, "we really don't know what it is. And besides, now really isn't the best time-"

"I am leaving," Itachi stately flatly, walking to the doorway.

"ITACHI!"

GLOMP

"TOBI!" Konan screeched, yanking the masked nin off the fallen Uchiha, who was immediately helped to his feet by a worried shark. "You should know better than to tackle a pregnant wo-" she snapped her mouth shut, but too late.

"…Konan, what were you about to say?" Itachi asked, his voice disturbingly calm.

"Nothing! Nothing at all-"

"No, you were about to say something. Go ahead."

"Really, Itachi-"

"Finish. Your. Sentence," the weasel hissed through clench teeth.

"I was just saying…Tobi should know better…than to tackle a pregnant…woman."

"I hate you."

"Aw, come on Itachi!" Deidara exclaimed. "You're a chick right now, un! Just accept it."

"I am not a female!" the Uchiha all but screamed. "I only look like one! Don't you forget that."

"Well for someone that's not a girl, un, you sure are PMS-ing."

"How can I be PMS-ing while I'm pregnant?!"

"Dunno, un. You tell me, manlady."

"I am going to my room, and I am not coming out. Ever."

"Itachi, you can't do that," Kisame declared.

"Watch me," the weasel replied.

"No angel, you really can't," Kisame repeated, stepping in front of the weasel.

"Why not?"

"Your water just broke."

Itachi looked down at the ground, back up to the shark, and finally to the shocked blonde who stood beside him. "I blame you for this."


	7. part 6

Itachi always tried to remain calm, cool, and collected. He considered it important to never show any signs of suffering or weakness, and always remain stoic on the outside.

That was before he spent eight hours in labor without any painkillers.

"Mother fu-OWWW!" he screamed, twisting the bed sheets beneath his fingers.

"Angel, calm down!" Kisame, standing beside the hospital bed the weasel was lying in. The Uchiha had been transferred to the hospital wing as soon as Konan was certain he was going into labor, and was now under the watchful gaze of the shark, Pein, and the kidnapped medic.

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Itachi snapped.

"Please, I need both of you to leave!" the medic pleaded, moving to the foot of the bed. "The last thing she needs right now is more stress!"

"Out of the question!" Pein said, folding his arms across his chest. "We are not budging until-"

"GET OUT!" Itachi shrieked.

"We're going, we're going!" the shark assured him, dragging the leader out of the room while simultaneously trying to block out another howl of pain that escaped the weasel's lips.

--

"How you could forget to get him painkillers?!" Kisame demanded. The shark was pissed, and glared angrily at the leader standing before him whiel drumming his fingers against his crossed forearms.

"It just slipped my mind," Pein said weakly, shrugging his shoulders.

"Why you-" Kisame had to be restrained by Kakuzu's threads and Sasori's chakra strings, and even then they were barely able to hold him back.

"Kisame, calm down!" Konan begged. "It'll be over soon enough."

"It can't be that bad, un," Deidara said.

"Oh really?" Kisame said, quickly to turn his fury on the blonde. "Well how about we have Sasori knock you up, and then you can go through this and tell the rest of us whether it's all that bad or not!"

"Kisame, there is no way in hell I would allow Deidara to have a child. One bomber is more than enough for us," Pein said firmly. Another scream escaped the hospital ward, making the Akatsuki wince. "Well, here's hoping he gets through this soon."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~two hours later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone looked up when they heard the door to the hospital room open. "All right, she's done," the medic stated, poking her head through the door. "And she's requesting someone named Kisame."

The shark rose from his seat on a nearby chair, walking hurriedly to the door. "There's something odd, though," the medic went on as she stepped outside the room. "As soon as she gave birth, she turned into a _guy_! With your permission, I'd like to-"

"Right, right," Pein said, waving his hand dismissively. "Hidan, would you mind?"

"With pleasure," the zealot said, hefting his scythe off the ground and walking towards the medic.

--

Kisame stopped by the door, taking a moment to stare across the room at his love.

The Uchiha was sitting upright in bed, holding a small bundle close to his chest. His body was drenched in sweat, and his hair was a mess. Kisame noted that his love had, indeed, returned to being a person of the male persuasion. Draped over his lap was a thin cotton blanket, and a pile of bloody sheets lay crumpled up at the foot of his bed.

The weasel looked up at the sound of a person entering the room, and smiled when he saw that it was Kisame. He mouthed the words, "Come here," before returning his attention to the bundle he was holding to his chest. Kisame silently walked across the room. He stopped beside the bed and bent down to have a look at his child. Their child.

The baby in Itachi's arm was asleep, its tiny chest rising and falling beneath the blanket it was wrapped in. The peach fuzz on its head was a lovely midnight blue, almost to the point of being black. "She got your gills," Itachi whispered, running his fingers over the lines crossing her cheeks.

"She? It's a girl?"

Itachi nodded, eyes never leaving his child. "And she has your eyes," he added happily. He finally looked away from the little girl, glancing up at the shark. "Do you want to hold her?"

For the first time in years, Kisame felt true fear creep into his heart. Their baby was so small, so delicate…so _breakable_.

Noticing Kisame's nervous behavior, Itachi scooted over on the bed and motioned for the shark to sit by him. Once he was seated, Itachi gently handed the baby to him, positioning the shark's arms to hold the infant. "There…don't jostle her…support the head…" he smiled and sat back, letting Kisame hold the girl.

"She's light," he said quietly, unable to think of anything else.

"Hn."

"Hey, angel?"

"Hmm?"

"Have you thought of a name yet?" the shark asked, running his fingers over the baby's cheeks.

"I like Tenshi."

"Tenshi?" Kisame smirked. "Can't say I'd mind having two angels." Itachi rolled his eyes, making Kisame's smirk grow wider. Suddenly, the baby started crying. "Oh crap, what'd I do?!" Kisame asked in a panicked voice, accidentally squeezing the child and making her cry even louder.

"Hn," Itachi replied, plucking Tenshi out of Kisame's arms.

"What's the supposed to mean? Urgh, never mind."

"Just get used to it," Itachi said, trying to hush the infant.

"Since this is all we're going to hear for the next few years, right?"

"Hn."


	8. part 7

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~two years later~~~~~~~~~~~~

A small blue-haired girl toddled into the kitchen, looking around. The room was oddly vacant, meaning she had no one to play with. To make matters worse, both Kisame and Itachi had been sent on a mission, so she couldn't call for her parents. "Jashin dammit!"

Wait, someone was coming! The girl hurried to the other doorway as fast as her small legs could carry her. Sure enough, Hidan came storming into the room moments later, looking ticked off. "Hidan!" she squealed.

"Go away kid," he muttered. The zealot lazily dropped his scythe on the floor before walking to the fridge. "I've had a fucked up day."

"Oooooooh!" she said, looking to the Jashinist's discarded weapon. She walked over, reaching out to touch the bright red blades-

"Back off bitch!" Hidan ordered, pushing her back to avoid her getting cut on the deadly weapon. Unfortunately for him, she stumbled backwards form the shove and fell down, hitting her head against a chair. Immediately the smile fell from her face, and she began to whimper. "Oh crap, Tenshi, please don't-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" the toddler began to sob, tears running down her face.

"Dammit…" Hidan began panicking, not sure what to do with a crying child.

"Hidan, what did you do to Tenshi, un?!"

"Nothing! The bitch just started-"

BOOM

Hidan was now laying in several pieces all over the kitchen. Deidara smiled when he saw Tenshi laughing and clapping her hands. "You liked that, did you, un?"

"Up, up!" she begged, holding her hands up to the bomber.

Looking around to make sure no one was watching, Deidara scooped up the toddler and walked out of the room. "You want to see more explosions, un?" The child's reaction was to smile and giggle. "All right, I'll show you more."

Deidara carried the infant to his room and grabbed his clay pouch. Now armed, he then walked out of the base, hopping onto the roof with Tenshi in his arms. "Here we go!" he said in an excited tone, tossing a small sculpture of a bird into the air.

BOOOOOOOOOOM

Tenshi laughed and clapped through the entire display, not stopping until Deidara had run out of clay. "Tenshi, be a good girl and stay right here, ok?" the child nodded as Deidara hopped off the roof and ran back inside, presumably to get more clay.

Just after the blonde left, a small butterfly touched down on the edge of the rooftop. Tenshi's eyes widened; the insect's wings were so pretty! She crawled across the tiled roof, reaching out to the bug-

When she suddenly lost her balance and tumbled through the air, heading twenty feet straight down.

The girl laughed as she fell, loving the feeling of freefalling through the air. Her trip was abruptly halted as a man dove forward, catching her before tumbling across the ground. "That was close. **Tell me about it**."

Tenshi laughed as Zetsu stood up, holding her to his chest. "Again, again!"

"Gotta admit, she's annoying, but cute. **Cute? More like tasty**. True…she does look good enough to eat-"

WHAM

"No eating Tenshi!" Konan bellowed, making the girl whimper and cry in her arms. "Shh, shh, it's ok Tenshi. I was just yelling at the big bad plant man…" she continued her cooing as she stepped over the fallen schizo.

Once they were gone, Zetsu rose to his feet, spitting blood onto the ground before walking off.

--

"Tenshi, I'm back, un!" Deidara chirped, looking around the rooftop for the girl. Only to realize Tenshi was gone.

"Tenshi?! Where'd she go, un? She couldn't have climbed down, so that means-ACK! SHE FELL!" Deidara began frantically looking over the edge of the roof, trying to find any signs of the girl. Finally, his one visible eye located a tiny pool of blood on the ground.

Upon leaping down to the dirt, Deidara could find no other evidence of the girl but the blood. "Wait a minute, un. This is Zetsu's garden…" The sculptors' blood ran cold. "This can only mean one thing, un. Tenshi fell off the roof, died, and then Zetsu found her dead body and ate her!" He began pacing the area nervously. "This is bad, un! Pein'll kill me, Konan's gonna castrate me, and Itachi-Shit, what am I gonna tell Itachi and Kisame, un?!"

--

"Tenshi, how about we put some bows in your hair for Itachi and Kisame?"

"Yes please!"

"Aww, you're so cute!" Konan squealed, hugging the girl to her chest. "I wish Pein would let me-"

"No," Pein said, sticking his head through the door and then disappearing just as suddenly.

"Now that is just plain creepy. Ok, how about red bows?"

"Uh-huh!"

--

Deidara was sitting in the living room, munching on Itachi's dango. Hey, he was going to die soon anyway; may as well go out with a sweet taste in his mouth. He'd written his will, said his farewells, and was now waiting for the shark and weasel to return to the base.

He heard a door open and shut, followed by Kisame's cry of, "We're back!" He gulped and rose, tossing away the dango stick as the duo walked into the kitchen. "Hey Deidara!" Kisame called out. "Where's Tenshi?"

"I, um, need to talk to you two about her, un," Deidara said weakly.

Itachi shot across the room, standing inches from the blonde. "If you've harmed one hair on her head, you're dead," he whispered.

"I didn't do it! Well, maybe a little, but it was Zetsu's fault in the end, un!"

"Deidara, what did you do?" Kisame asked, all humor gone from his face.

"Well, I took Tenshi up on the roof to watch some of my explosions, which she really likes, but I ran out of clay, so I left her on the roof to go get more-"

"WHAT?!" Kisame screamed.

"And when I got back…she wasn't on the roof, un."

Deidara felt himself get slammed into a wall, Itachi's fingers around his throat. "Where is Tenshi?" he hissed.

"I went looking for her, but, um…Zetsu ate her, un."

"…"

"…You are dead."

--

Konan hummed softly as she carried Tenshi down the hall, a smile on her face. "They'll be so happy when they see you like this!" she declared, nuzzling the girl gently. As they approached the living room, the woman began to hear several crashes and screams. "Hmmm? What's going on?"

When the two of them finally got into the room, they saw Itachi and Kisame standing over a bloodied and battered Deidara. Most of the furniture in the chamber was broken, and there was a large puddle of blood under the blonde. "What do you two think you're doing?!" she demanded, setting Tenshi down on the floor.

The two men looked to her, failing to see their daughter tottering across the floor to the fallen blonde. "We're killing Deidara," Kisame said.

"Painfully," Itachi added.

"Why?"

"He killed Tenshi!"

"Hn."

"What are you talking about?! Tenshi is right there! She's…er…finger-painting with Deidara's blood."

The two looked down at the ground to see their daughter making red swirls on the stone floor, drawing a crude smiley face with the crimson liquid.

Instantly the girl was scooped up by Itachi, who began kissing the girl's head repeatedly. "Daddy!" she cried, hugging the man who held her. She suddenly noticed Kisame and began wiggling in Itachi's grasp, reaching for the shark with outstretched arms. "Poppa!"

The Uchiha reluctantly passed his daughter to the shark, who proceeded to hug her tightly. A moment later, however, she was whining to get back to Itachi. "Aw, she can't pick which one of you she likes more!" Konan said, grinning widely.

"That's probably a good thing," Kisame said, walking over to Itachi so they could hug their daughter at the same time. The four of them gradually drifted out of the room, leaving Deidara to be found hours later by Sasori.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~hours later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hello? HELLO?! Jashin dammit, where the hell is Kakuzu? Bastard needs to hurry up and stitch me back together…"


	9. part 8

Kisame walked into the living room where Itachi and Tenshi were currently playing. The shark smiled when he saw the look of pure delight on his daughter's face as Itachi bounced her up and down on his lap. As he got closer, both Itachi and Tenshi turned to the shark. "Hn?"

"Hn! Hn! Hn!"

"Itachi, quit "hn"ing. Our daughter is going to become a mute. And I just came in here to warn you that in about five seconds, Konan is going to pounce."

Itachi was about to reply, when the blue-haired woman came flying into the room, quickly scooping Tenshi up into her arms. "Two o'clock! Time for play time with Auntie Konan!"

"YAY!" Tenshi squealed.

Lately, Konan had been forcing the duo to give her an hour or two of play time with Tenshi each day, claiming that Tenshi needed to be around someone with estrogen every once in a while. Failing to find a valid argument with this, the shark and weasel were forced to allow "Auntie Konan", bonding time with their little angel.

"Say bye-bye sweetie," Konan said as she carried the girl out of the room.

"Bye-bye!" She waved back to her parents, smiling until she disappeared from sight.

"She's growing up fast, isn't she?" Kisame asked.

"Hn."

Kisame turned to his lover and frowned when he saw the look on Itachi's face. "Angel, what's wrong?"

"She's growing up," Itachi repeated. "But she doesn't have anyone to grow up with."

"Hmm?"

"Kisame, the closest person to her age here is **me**. Tenshi will have no friends to grow up with or socialize."

"What do you want to do?"

"Get another kid."

"You want me to knock you up again?" Kisame asked, not quite able to keep the hopefulness out of his voice.

"No," the weasel replied firmly. An evil smirk spread across his face. "But I know someone else for the job."

--

Deidara could never be certain exactly what happened to him. One minute he was walking down the hall, trying to decide whether to put a bomb in Hidan's room or seduce Sasori, and the next instant he was lying on the ground, being dragged into Kisame and Itachi's room. "Help, un!"

WHAM

"Ow!" he began rubbing his head as he sat up, looking at the two warily. "What do you want, un?"

"Your cooperation. Kisame, hold him," Itachi ordered.

Deidara's eyes widened as the shark bent down and grabbed him firmly by the arms, while Itachi reached onto the nearby desk and picked up a syringe. "What are you doing, un?!"

"Hn."

"What is that suppo-ACK!" Deidara jerked as the needle broke his flesh.

Itachi quickly injected the fluid, pulling out the needle second later. "And now, we wait."

"Huh? Wait for what…" Deidara's pupils dialated, and his body slowly relaxed. "What did you do, un?"

"We borrowed some of Konan's hormones," Kisame explained. "And now we're taking you to Sasori."

--

Sasori didn't even look up when the door to his room opened and shut. "Brat, where have you-"

GLOMP

The redhead was knocked to the floor by a flash of blonde. "Brat, what do you thing you're doing?!"

"Danna," the bomber whimpered, sniffling down at Sasori with a pained look on his face. The Akasuna felt his anger depart when he noticed the tears in the sculptor's eyes. It had been a very long time since he'd seen his blonde look so distraught. "Deidara, what's-"

"I want a baby, un!"

"…" Sasori stared at the blonde in disbelief. "What?"

"I want a baby," Deidara repeated.

"Why?" the puppet master inquired, still not entirely sure he'd heard right.

"Because they're adorable and sweet, and they've got such cute little bodies, and I want one to hold and love and call my own, un!"

"Deidara, no."

"Please danna-"

"NO! Ask for anything, and I do mean anything else, and I'll give it to you," Sasori said, rubbing his temples. He truly hated refusing the sculptor anything, but he had to draw the line here.

The bomber growled and put his hands on Sasori's cheeks, jerking the puppeteer's face towards his own. "Give me what I want, or I will get it from someone else, un," he growled.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Fine, un," Deidara said, rising from the floor and walking to the door. "I'll just go and tell Itachi I need his help." The blonde suddenly stopped in his tracks. He could barely resist smiling widely as he felt the chakra strings attached to his body turn him around and carry him back to Sasori. He knew the redhead would give in. He always did. "You're going to help me, un?"

"Henge now before I change my mind."

~~~~~~~~~~~later that night~~~~~~~~~~~

Itachi smiled as he heard the screams echoing through the base later that night. "Did it work?" Kisame asked.

"Hn."

"Sweet! Let's celebrate!"

Ten minutes later the two were splitting a bottle of sake. They'd barely downed their first cups when Hidan and Kakuzu walked into the kitchen, interrupting their celebration. "Sake!" Hidan cried, pouncing on the bottle and gulping down a mouthful before anyone could react.

"Hidan, put that down," Kakuzu ordered before turning to look at the shark and weasel. "How much did that cost?" he asked.

"Not as much as this one," Kisame replied, holding up a second bottle.

It was immediately snatched out of his hands by a rather irate banker. "We're returning this for a refund," he stated.

"Aw, lighten up Kuzu," Hidan commanded, taking another swig from the bottle in his possession. "You're just acting like a Jashin-damn prick because you're a lightweight."

"Oh really?"

"Hell yeah."

"Um, can we have our sake back?" Kisame asked.

"No," Kakuzu said, opening the bottle and gulping down a mouthful. "Now put your money were your loud mouth is, Hidan." The shark and weasel left the room then, the sounds of the miser and the masochist arguing mingling with Deidara's screams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~three weeks later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Pein and Konan jerked in their seats at the table. "What was that?" the leader asked.

"I think it was Deidara," Itachi replied, eyes focused on the food he was cutting for Tenshi.

"What did you do?" Konan asked suspiciously.

"Simple. We made sure Tenshi will grow up with friends," Kisame stated calmly.

Pein stared in shock at the shark and weasel, before springing up from the table. The other four soon went after him.

They hurried down the hall and into the bathroom, where they saw a rather shocked Deidara staring at his reflection in the mirror.

It was Tenshi who spoke first. "Daddy, Dei has boobs!"

"Why yes she does," Itachi replied.

"I am not a she, un!"

"Then where's your dick?" Kisame asked, biting back his laughter.

"JASHIN DAMMIT!"

Everyone froze. "Itachi, did you…" Pein began.

"No," the weasel said.

Quickly Pein, Itachi, Kisame, Tenshi, and Konan ran out of the bathroom, down the hall, and into Hidan and Kakuzu's room. The fivesome stopped short when they saw the zealot standing before them in a woman's form. "Hidan, why are you a chick?" Pein asked.

"The hell if I know!" he said, staring in horror at his new body.

"Wait a minute…." Kisame said, thinking. "Do you two remember the night you took our sake?"

"Yeah, of cour-oh HELL NO!"

"We didn't," Kakuzu said, holding his head. "I can't believe we…oh crap…"

"More babies!" Konan exclaimed happily, jumping up and down. "Pein, now can I-"

"Absolutely not!"


	10. part 9

Kisame was walking down the hall of the base, heading for Konan and Pein's room. Konan had become depressed after Pein once again refused to let her have a child, so the shark had taken pity on her and given her extra playtime with his daughter. Not that Tenshi was complaining or anything. Konan was much better at playing with dolls and whatnot than he or Itachi ever could be-

The shark suddenly felt his legs get ripped out from under him, sending him face first to the ground. Moments later he was being dragged backwards into a room, the door shutting once he was all the way in.

He turned over to lay on his stomach and looked up into the faces of Sasori and Kakuzu. "What the hell?!"

"Sorry, but we needed to make sure you cooperated with us," Sasori said.

"You couldn't have just stopped me in the hall and invited me in?!"

"We could have. However, this method guaranteed your speedy assistance," Kakuzu explained.

"What do you two want?" Kisame grumbled as he rose to his feet and dusted himself off.

"Have a seat," Sasori said with a motion towards his bed.

Once the blue man was seated, Kakuzu began. "Sasori and I were thinking…you see, we realized that you have experience in this department, so you could help…we wondered if you could enlighten us about-"

"We need to know what to expect from our partners, now that they're pregnant," Sasori concluded. "You've dealt with this before, so it seemed like a good idea to ask for your help."

"Where were you when Itachi was carrying Tenshi?! You saw how he acted-"

"Yes, before Pein banished him to his room, and after that only whenever he bothered to come out," Sasori interrupted.

"You were with him all the time, so you know exactly what's going to happen with Deidara and Hidan," Kakuzu went on. "We just need some tips."

Kisame sighed and rubbed his head, trying to figure out what to say. "For starters, try not to pay any attention to what they say when the moods swings kick in. And get used to getting hit."

"Is it really going to be that bad?" Sasori asked.

"Hell yeah. If their mood swings are half as bad as Itachi's were, you'll get something like them crying, blaming you, smacking you across the face, then more crying because they feel guilty, and then they want to cuddle. Until the cravings kick in. That's another thing; don't question their food desires, no matter how odd or what time they ask for it. You will get hurt."

"What else?" Kakuzu asked, paling slightly beneath his mask.

"Be nice when they're puking their guts up. And Sasori, get a hair tie or something for Deidara. He'll-I mean, she'll need it."

"What's the point of giving them all that food if they're just going to throw it up again…" Kakuzu shook his head, muttering about how expensive groceries were.

"If you say anything like that around Hidan, you're dead," Kisame warned. "He'll probably banish you to the couch with a severe beating, at the very least."

"I'll just rip out his insides," Kakuzu said flatly.

"Won't that hurt the baby?" Sasori inquired.

"That's the biggest thing," Kisame said. "Don't **ever** do anything that'll hurt their baby."

"Don't you mean 'our'?" Sasori asked. "Kakuzu and I helped make those kids, you know."

"Doesn't matter," Kisame said in a warning tone. "You guys may have knocked them up, but until the cord is cut, those children are theirs and theirs alone.

I remember one night about three months before Tenshi was born. I ran into the room and knocked over Itachi. He hit the floor hard. Once I got him up he started freaking out, and told me if I didn't get the hell out of our room then and there he was going to make me pay."

"Is that why you were sleeping on the couch for two weeks?" Kakuzu asked.

"Yes. And I'm pretty sure Deidara and Hidan will be much more violent if you do anything like that to them."

"Yeah right," Sasori said. "I doubt they'll be that hard to handle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~two months later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BOOOOOOOOOM

"You're a bastard, un!"

"Deidara, please calm down-"

"Don't tell me to calm down!" the blonde screeched, hurling another bomb about the puppet master. It exploded just as Sasori jumped out of the way, adding another scorch mark to their charred walls. "I'm fine! I am perfectly fine, un!"

"All right, I believe you!"

The blonde began sniffling. "Liar. You hate me, don't you, un?" Tears welled up in his eyes. "Well I hate you too!" He turned and flopped down on their bed, burying his face in the fluffy pillows lying on his side of the mattress.

Sasori cautiously approached the sculptor, sitting down beside him and rubbing his back. "Dei, you know I love you. Please don't cry."

The blonde reached across the bed and grabbed one of Sasori's pillows. "Your pillows smell nice, un."

"They smell like me."

"Lie down with me," Deidara ordered, pulling Sasori down beside him. He snuggled into the redhead's chest, smiling contently.

They were given two minutes of peace before the blonde's stomach growled.

Sasori smirked at his uke. "You're hungry again?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Deidara whimpered. "You think I'm fat, don't you?!"

"Deidara-" Sasori began as the blonde leapt off the bed.

"Excuse me for being hungry, I'm only pregnant, un!" Deidara screamed, grabbing a sculpture off his desk and hurling it at Sasori. "Jerk!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOM

--

Once he'd reassembled all his body parts, the Akasuna journeyed to the kitchen. He immediately noticed two things; one, Deidara and Hidan were sitting together, eating sandwiches. Two; there was an odd smell hanging around the kitchen. "What did you two do?" Sasori asked, wrinkling his nose.

"We made sandwiches!" Deidara happily chirped, acting as if he'd forgotten all about trying to kill Sasori the entire morning.

"Out of what? Road kill?"

"Hell no," Hidan replied, taking a bite out of his lunch. "We made grilled cheese and banana slices, asshole."

"And then we added ketchup and mustard, un!" Deidara said, munching away happily.

Sasori looked as if he were about to be sick. Before he could comment about the two Akatsuki's eating habits, though, Kakuzu walked in. The miser was covered in bruises, as well as several cuts up and down his arms. "What happened to you, un?" Deidara asked.

"I have an abusive boyfriend," the banker replied.

"I am not!" Hidan declared, hurling his sandwich at the miser's head. He immediately began shaking. "Stupid bastard…" he bolted from the room, Deidara fast on his heels.

Once they were gone, both semes walked to the table and slumped down in their chairs, letting out twin sighs of frustration. "I can't go through seven more months of this," Sasori muttered, rubbing his temples with both hands.

"Hey, look on the bright side. When we go to hell, we can at least tell the devil he can't do anything worse than this to us."

"The sad thing is, you're right."


	11. part 10

By the time the bomber and zealot were four months pregnant, Pein had started sending Kakuzu and Sasori on more and more missions. Itachi and/or Kisame were often drafted to work with these two, leaving their child in the hands of the pregnant Akatsuki members at the base.

Needless to say, the shark and weasel constantly feared for their daughter's life.

--

"Hidan, what's this?" Tenshi asked, picking up a kunai.

"That a knife, you-OWW! Little bitch," he growled, pulling the knife out of his leg.

"Oooh, blood!" she reached for the shiny liquid and then wiped her fingers across the wound.

"Will you cut that out?!" the Jashinist snapped.

"*Sniff*…I'm sowwy…" she whimpered, tearing up.

She began to cry softly, much to Hidan's dismay. "Crap, stop it Tenshi!" More tears. "Stop it or I'll sacrifice you, dammit!" The girl was positively wailing by now. "Stop and you get a cookie?"

"Cookie!" she squealed, tears immediately stopping.

The immortal let out a sigh of relief and picked the girl up, moving to set her on the counter. "And that bastard Kuzu says I'm bad with kids," he muttered while walking to the cookie jar on the other end of the counter.

"You are, un," Deidara called out. Hidan looked up to see Deidara walking into the room, frowning at the zealot. "Bribing a toddler to keep quiet about verbal abuse with a cookie; how low will you sink, un?"

"Hey, at least the bitch is quiet now!" Hidan and Deidara were so busy arguing that they failed to notice Tenshi crawling across the counter, heading straight for the stove.

Now, this wouldn't have been a problem if Tenshi's little hand hadn't brushed against the dials to the stovetop burners. Almost immediately a small blue flame leapt up, fascinating the girl. It was such an appealing shade of blue; she simply _had_ to touch the pretty fire-

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Both Akatsuki spun around to see the girl bawling and sucking on her burnt finger. "Crap!" they exclaimed, rushing over to the stove. Deidara picked up the girl as Hidan shut off the flame. "What now?!" Deidara asked above Tenshi's crying.

"Put water on it, asshole!"

Deidara turned on the sink with one hand, using his other hand to pull Tenshi's hand away from her mouth. In only a matter of seconds her burnt finger was under the cool running water, her cries reduced to sniffles and hiccups.

Deidara shut off the water and brought her hand close to his face, kissing the finger gently. "There, all better, un."

"Cookie?" she asked softly.

"Right, you must be hungry by now, un," Deidara said, looking at the clock and noticing that it was past one in the afternoon. "Ok, time for lunch!"

"Hell yeah!" Hidan said, hurrying to the fridge. "Let's see, we've got pickles, mayo, grilled chicken…" he began passing these things to Deidara as he spoke.

"Hey, un!" the blonde protested. "I've only got two hands, un!"

"Give me Tenshi, dumbass," Hidan commanded, holding an arm out to take the girl. Once the child was passed to him, he went back to extracting the foodstuffs.

"Rice, refried beans…oh, chicken!"

"We already have some, un," Deidara said, handing it back.

"Jashin dammit, wait we need those f-ing tortillas, and soy sauce…" the zealot began juggling the items around in his arms, eventually putting up the chicken and extracting the other lunchtime necessities. Deidara joined in, and an odd loop of food being extracted or put up was formed, with Tenshi caught in the middle. "Here we go!" Hidan exclaimed after they had finally acquired all the dishes necessary for a meal.

Minutes passed, and soon the two had prepared an adequate lunch. As they sat down at the table ten minutes later, a thought occurred to Deidara. "Hidan, where is Tenshi, un?"

"Huh? Don't you have her…" the two looked at each other for a long moment, before slowly turning their heads to look at the fridge. "CRAP!" They bolted across the room, ripping open the appliance's door.

There was Tenshi, sitting on the top shelf, a Tupperware container of chicken in her lap. "Cookie?" she asked hopefully.

"ACK!" Deidara pulled the girl out, cradling her to his chest. "Oh, you poor thing, un! You need a hot bath now, don't you?"

"Deidara, not even Konan's allowed to do that," Hidan pointed out. "You'll get your ass kicked by weasel-boy."

The child in Deidara's arm sneezed, sending waves of panic through the two. "She needs a bath to warm up, un!"

"Dumbass-"

"Keep quiet about this, and I'll make sure no one finds out you put Tenshi in the fridge."

"You helped, asshole!"

"Your fault, un," the blonde replied, carrying the girl out of the room. He walked down the hall and into the bathroom, setting the girl inside the tub. "Tenshi, I'm going to close the curtain, un. Just throw your clothes out here, and I'll turn on the water for you, un." The girl did as told, Deidara focusing on the water taps to give her as much privacy as possible. Unfortunately, Pein began loudly calling his name. Sighing, the blonde rose and left the room.

The leader was standing in the hallway, waiting for him. "What, un?"

"I just came to tell you Itachi and Kisame finished early, and will be back soon."

"All right, I care because, un?"

You're in charge of their kid, aren't you?"

"Un."

"Well, they'll no doubt want to see Tenshi, so I suggest you make her presentable. Speaking of which, where is she?"

"Hmm? Well, I was giving her a ba-THE WATER'S STILL RUNNING!" Deidara turned and shot towards the bathroom at top speed.

The water was up to Tenshi's neck now. The girl, however, didn't notice, since she was busy splashing water over the side of the tub.

Deidara heaved a sigh of relief when he saw that the girl had not drowned. "I was scar-"

WHAM

Tenshi blinked at the blonde. His leg had slipped out from under him when he stepped into a puddle, causing his head to smash into the side of the tub. She began tugging his ponytail, wondering if he would do any more funny tricks as the water began overflowing the bathtub.

--

"There. She's dressed, bathed, and ready to see her parents, un," Deidara declared. He'd spoken not a moment too soon.

Kisame and Itachi had just arrived home, and after dropping off their report they were eager to see their daughter. "Daddy!" Tenshi yelled, holding out her arms to the weasel expectantly.

Itachi plucked the girl from Deidara's arms, bringing her to his chest. A moment later, he sniffed her hair and frowned. "Who gave Tenshi a bath?" he asked quietly, glaring at the two pregnant Akatsuki members.

"I did, but I had to, un! It was the only way to warm her up after she got stuck in the fridge-"

"WHAT?!" Kisame cried.

"It was Hidan's fault, un!"

"At least I didn't forget the bitch and almost let her drown like some blonde dumbass!"

Kisame could only gape in horror, while Itachi looked over his child for any other signs of trauma. "What happened to her hand?"

"Oh. Um, she may or may not have burned herself on the stove, un," Deidara explained weakly.

"Before or after the fridge incident?" Itachi asked quietly.

"Before, but after Hidan made her cry, un."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Pein's office, 2.5 seconds later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BAM

Pein looked up in time to see an enraged Itachi storm across the room to him. "I refuse to leave my child in their incapable hands ever again!"

Pein rolled his eyes. Hidan and Deidara must have screwed up again, this time royally so. "Itachi, there is no one else to watch her," the pierced man explained calmly.

"Why not Konan?"

"I need her for missions. The only reason Hidan and Deidara stay here is their pregnancies, and you know that."

"Knock up Konan then."

"Out of the question," Pein said firmly.

"Pein," Itachi began, voice frighteningly calm. "Do you know where the most dangerous place you can be around a mother is?"

"No, do tell," the leader said sarcastically.

"It's between the mother and her child. That's where you are right now. Pein, you are going to put Tenshi in Konan's care when we are gone, you are going to do it immediately, or so help me (his eyes flashed red) you will regret it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~that night~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Konan?"

The woman looked to her boyfriend, who was sitting on their bed, a frown on his face. "Yes?"

"I've been thinking…"

"About what?"

"You wanting children." There was a pause, where Pein took a deep breath as Konan held hers. "I guess one or two kids wouldn't hurt."

GLOMP

"Time for sex!" the female declared, all but ripping the clothing off Pein's body.


	12. part 11

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~weeks go by~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The entire Akatsuki was gathered in the kitchen, eating a hearty breakfast of pancakes and squirrel bacon. Pein was drinking his coffee slowly, a haggard look on his face. He appeared ready to drop dead from exhaustion. "What's wrong?" Itachi asked calmly.

"Konan," the leader replied, taking another swig of his steaming beverage. "The woman is determined to get pregnant no matter what."

"How is that a problem?" Itachi asked. "Most people would kill to be in your position."

"Besides the fact that certain areas are getting rather sore, I'm a bit worried about what will happen if she actually does get pregnant."

"Hn?"

The man sighed and set his coffee down. "Itachi, you're aware that my parents died at an early age, right?"

"Hn."

"That being said...I have no idea how to be a good father."

"Don't die," Itachi suggested.

"Ha ha," Pein said, glaring half-heartedly at the Uchiha. "And what else? I'm the leader of a criminal organization! How is that supposed to set a good example for my kid?!"

"Hn."

"Furthermore, absolutely nothing about my life qualifies me to be a parent."

"You're in charge of this lot," Itachi said, motioning to the other Akatsuki members. While they'd been talking, a food fight had broken out, with Tobi hurling pancakes to and fro while Deidara and Hidan attempted to choke their semes with bacon. "If this doesn't qualify you, nothing will."

"If my kid turns out like any of you people, I'm jumping off the roof. After I enjoy a plentiful helping of arsenic."

--

A sudden high-pitched shriek cut through the night, awakening Deidara and Hidan, the only Akatsuki currently in the base besides Pein, Konan, and of course Tenshi. "What the heck, un?" Deidara grumbled, sitting up in bed. Grumbling softly, he rose from his bed and walked into the hall, intent on finding the source of his sleep's disturbance.

He wasn't the only one who was curious as to the source of the scream; Hidan was also in the hallway. Wordlessly the two began walking towards the source of the scream, stopping in front of Pein and Konan's room when the heard the sound of the blue-haired woman chattering in an excited voice. "The bitch had better have a damn good excuse," Hidan muttered as Deidara began pounding on the door.

Moments later the door opened to reveal Pein, wearing an unreadable expression on his face. "What the heck's with Konan, un?" Deidara growled, eyes squinting against the harsh florescent lighting of Sir Leader's room.

"It turned blue!" Konan squealed in reply, holding a small stick for all to see. "That means I'm pregnant! All that sex paid off!"

"Does that mean I can sleep tonight?" Pein muttered, yawning shortly thereafter.

"Yes honey. You've earned it."

"…Ok, we're just gonna go then," Hidan said, trying to escape the increasingly awkward moment he and the sculptor had become trapped in. Their escape came in the form of the sound of a certain child crying. "Dammit, you scared Tenshi," Hidan stated, hurrying behind Deidara to Kisame and Itachi's room.

When they arrived they found the girl sitting up in bed, tears running down her face. "Shh, it's ok Tenshi," Deidara cooed, picking up the three-year-old and rocking her gently in his arms.

"You got this?" Hidan asked.

"Un."

"Night," the Jashinist muttered, exiting the room in hopes of getting a few more hours of sleep before dawn.

The blonde and zealot had grown used to taking care of Tenshi during the shark and weasel's absence, and soon Deidara had calmed the child down. "Better?" he asked softly.

"Yes," she answered, eyelids drooping as she spoke.

Deidara smiled and tucked her in under the sheets. He then turned and began walking towards the door. Time for him to get back to bed and-

"Don't go!" Tenshi whispered, voice pleading.

"Tenshi…"

"Pwease?" she begged, giving Deidara her best chibi look.

The blonde groaned in defeat and spun around, walking further into the room. "How your fathers can resist you I'll never know, un," he grumbled, situating himself at the foot of Kisame and Itachi's bed. This was going to be a long night.

--

"Mind explaining what you're doing on our bed?"

Deidara woke up to stare into the eyes of a familiar shark. He turned his head to see Itachi gently waking up Tenshi, hugging her to his chest as the girl began to stir in his arms. "Well?" Kisame went on.

"Your daughter got scared and wouldn't let me leave, un," Deidara explained. "By the way, your mattress sucks." Not like his was any better though.

"Tell that to Kakuzu," the shark muttered, shaking his head. "Thanks for looking after her while we were gone."

"It's fine," Deidara said, waving his hand dismissively in the air. "And now, I'm going to get some breakfast, un."

"See ya."

Deidara walked out into the hall, pausing a moment to pop his back. Damn, he was going to have a talk with Kakuzu about the beds around here. "Did you have fun while we were gone?" Was that Itachi?

Deidara peered into the room through a crack in the door. To his shock, the Uchiha was sitting on Tenshi's bed, brushing the girl's hair and smiling down at her.

"Uh-huh! Deidara played with me, and I colored, and…" the girl rambled on and on, Itachi nodding and commenting every now and again.

When the weasel finally finished brushing her blue locks, he set her on the floor and rose. "Kisame, can you get her dressed?"

"Sure angel." Itachi walked across the room, coming closer to the door, but turning at the last minute and walking into the bathroom. Moments later Deidara heard the sound of running water. The weasel must be showering.

"Let's see, what to put you in," Kisame murmured, digging through the drawer of their dresser reserved for Tenshi. While he was occupied, the child dove under the bed, intent on staying in her pjs all day.

The shark finally pulled out a sundress and turned around to show it to his daughter, only to find that the girl had disappeared from sight. As he began walking around the room in search of her, however, a giggle escaped from under the bed, giving away the girl's position.

Kisame was down on his knees in a flash, sticking his head under the bed. "Tenshi, come out."

"No."

"Tenshi, come out or no cookies today."

"No!"

"Tenshi Uchiha Hoshigaki," Kisame began, crawling under the bed. The child was fast on her feet though, and darted out from under the mattress before the shark could react. Laughing at the game, the child ran across the bedroom-

and straight into the bathroom.

Deidara heard several thumps, a cry, and scuffling noises before an enraged Itachi emerged from the bathroom, a towel around his waist and his child held at arms' length in his hands. Tenshi was staring below the beltline on her father, a curious look on her young face. "Daddy, what's that thingy?"

"…"

"What is it?"

"What's she talk-oh," Kisame said as the realization hit him.

"What is it?" Tenshi repeated, reaching for her father's towel. "Tell me!"

"Kisame, take her. And try to keep a closer watch on her," Itachi requested, glaring at his lover. The shark plucked the girl from his arms, whispering apologies again and again.

"Poppa, what is that thingy daddy has?" Tenshi asked, looking up at the shark with wide eyes. "Why don't I have one?"

"You'll get one when you're older," Itachi lied, disappearing into the bathroom a moment later. Leaving the shark to fend for himself.

"Poppa, is that true?"

"Um…"

"Do you have a thingy too? Lemme see!" Tenshi begged, reaching for Kisame's pants.

Deidara took off down the hall, praying to whatever deities existed that when he gave birth five months from now he would have a boy and be saved this embarrassing explanation.


	13. part 12

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~time passes~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sasori was doubled over, panting heavily. Up until recent months, he hadn't realized how heavily he relied on Deidara's skills in battle to back him up. There was a reason that he and the bomber had been assigned to work together, after all. This fight in particular had been difficult, considering that the better part of his opponents were long-range fighters. Had Deidara been here, they would have gone down without any problem, but that was nothing more than wishful thinking.

A noise came from behind him, startling the Akasuna out of his thoughts. He spun around, immediately attaching chakra strings to the puppets closest to him. Whoever was trying to sneak up on him was about to get a few organs ripped out.

Much to his shock, it was Zetsu who appeared. The schizo slowly emerged from a tree, staring at the puppet master. "Here he is. **About time we found him.** It didn't take that long."

"Zetsu, what do you want?" Sasori demanded, relaxing ever so slightly.

"You're needed at the base. **He is not! Pein just wants him back there.** Because he's needed. **Not really**."

"What for?"

"Take a wild guess."

Deidara. It had to be something to do with his blonde. "Did Deidara have an accident?" he asked worriedly.

"Nope. He went into labor."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~six hours later~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"OWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Deidara howled, his screams resonating through the Akatsuki base.

"Still think the pain isn't that bad, blondie?" Itachi called out, smirking sadistically.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU DAMN WEASEL BASTARD!" Deidara screeched.

"I'll take that as a no."

Before Itachi could go on, though, a certain redhead rushed past him, Zetsu slowly following behind. "I didn't know Sasori could move that fast. **Hell, I didn't know people could move that fast."**

"How is he?" Konan asked, wringing her hands nervously. All the Akatsuki, save for Kisame, were gathered outside the birthing room. The shark had taken his daughter outside to play in the garden, well out of hearing range of Deidara's screams of agony.

"How do you think he feels?" Kakuzu asked, rolling his eyes. "The guy just found out his lover's going into labor a month early. That'll shake anyone up."

Two seconds later the puppeteer reemerged from the room, Pein fast on his heels. "That's the second time some low-class medic has thrown me out," the leader grumbled, shaking his head.

"What's wrong with Dei?" Konan asked the Akasuna.

"They don't know," Sasori snapped, sinking down into a chair. "But it looks like he's going to be in labor for a while yet."

"Well duh," Hidan said. "Bastard's already up to hour ten."

"Shut up before I put your insides on the outside," Sasori hissed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~time passes~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12 hours later, Sasori was ready to tear his hair out. He could still hear the blonde screaming his head off, and no word on Deidara's condition had been heard yet. The others were beginning to worry as well; had there been a problem?

Finally, fifteen minutes later, the screaming stopped. The medic they'd abducted a few weeks back finally emerged from the room, looking worn out but satisfied. "Everything's ok," she assured the criminals. "They're fine."

A silent wave of relief swept through the room at the words. "You can see her now, if you like," the medic said.

Sasori inwardly smiled at the words. Deidara must have made sure to remain in female form until the medic left. No point in spooking her yet. They still had two more births to go through before she would be disposed of, after all.

"What was taking so long?" Konan asked.

"Oh, this stuff is perfectly normal," the female said calmly. "We just had a little difficulty trying to get a child to move down far enough. But like I said, the babies are fine."

"Well that's go-did you say babies?" Pein asked, making Sasori freeze, his hand on the doorknob.

"Yes," the medic affirmed. "The woman gave birth to a lovely set of twin girls. They're absolutely the cutest-" her comment was interrupted as Sasori fainted and crashed to the ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~five minutes and a bottle of smelling salts later~~~~~~~~~

The Akasuna nervously walked into the room, not sure if he was fully prepared for this.

Deidara was sitting on the bed in his normal male form. There was a small bundle in each arm, and he seemed to be looking from one to the other rapidly, as if unable to keep his eyes away from either infant for more than a moment.

The sight made Sasori smile as he ambled over to the bomber, stopping near the edge of the bed. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

Deidara tilted his head up to look at Sasori. "I'm tired, I'm sore, and I wanna sleep, un."

The redhead smirked and motioned for Deidara to scoot over so he could sit on the bed. Once situated, he took a few moments to look at the children in his lover's arms. "Am I going to get the opportunity to hold one of them?" he asked at length.

Deidara carefully passed him the child closest to him, quickly wrapping his now-free arm around the other child.

Immediately the infant began to squirm, one arm popping free of the confines of its blanket. Sasori quickly caught the hand and hushed the child, bouncing her in his arms. Suddenly, a small prick was felt in his finger. He looked down in shock to see pearly-white teeth biting gently onto his faux flesh, a line of drool running down the digit. "Oh, I forgot to tell you, un," Deidara laughed out. "They got my handmouths, un."

"Why do they already have teeth?" Sasori asked.

"The mouths just come out that way, un. Don't get mad at them if they bite you; they don't have control over them yet. Poor babies," he whispered, kissing the head of the girl he was holding.

Sasori ran his eyes over the tiny female. Pale, almost porcelain skin; chubby arms and cheeks; small seashell ears; perfectly proportioned handmouths. "A little work of art," he murmured.

Deidara smiled. "Bang, un."


	14. part 13

Almost immediately the two artists got into a fight about the name of one of their children.

"Deidara, no," Sasori said firmly.

"Yes, un!" The blonde snapped. The medic was giving the redheaded infants an exam, leaving the puppet master and bomber time to argue over names.

"Deidara, you cannot name our child that!"

"Why not?! You got to name Ahato, so I get to name this one!"

"Deidara, I will let you name them both if you don't name her Boom!"

"What's wrong with Boom, un?!"

"Brat, you cannot name a child Boom. You could name a dog Boom. You could name a houseplant Boom. But you cannot name a human Boom!"

"Yes I can! She is my little firework, so her name is Boom, un!"

Sasori shook his head, both at the blonde's statement and stubbornness. "How about this? I will get you a cat named Boom. I'll even let you blow it up."

"No, un," Deidara replied firmly. "I am naming her Boom. Besides, I have more right then you to name her, un!"

"What?! I'm her parent too!"

"I gave birth to her!"

"But-"

"TWENTY-TWO HOURS OF LABOR, UN!"

"...I hate you."

And thus, the children were named Ahato and Boom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~three months later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deidara was desperately trying to soothe his wailing daughters, to no avail. Ahato had started crying, which of course set off her twin, and now they were both screaming at the top of their little lungs. "Shh, shh!" he hushed, praying that Sasori would return soon.

For once his prayers were answered, and the Akasuna walked in moments later, frowning. "I can hear them crying at the other end of the base," he said flatly.

"Make Ahato stop, un!" Deidara ordered.

The puppet master rolled his eyes but picked up the said girl, rocking her in his arms and humming softly. To Deidara's relief and annoyance, the girl calmed down almost immediately. "I find it hard to believe that you're incapable of making Ahato quiet down on your own," Sasori stated, giving his lover a smug look.

"Shut up, un," Deidara muttered, working to hush Boom. "She only likes you, and you know it, un."

"That's not true," Sasori said, even as a small wave of joy washed over him. Ahato had formed a strong bond with the puppet master, and not even the bomber could hope to match it. Sasori was her favorite, that was for certain.

"She's always the one that starts crying, un," Deidara complained. "But Boom won't even laugh unless Ahato does first. I don't know which one to be more worried about, un."

"Then don't," Sasori said, kissing Ahato's forehead and setting her down inside the crib she and Boom shared. "They're going to be fine. You'll see."

"If you say so, danna," Deidara replied, crossing the room to stand by the crib. "Goodnight little firework, un," he murmured, setting the girl down by her sister.

They remained quiet for all of two minutes before Boom began whimpering, followed by her sister.

"What was that about Ahato always starting things?" Sasori said. "More importantly, what's wrong now?"

Deidara frowned, staring intently at the children for a few seconds, before his face relaxed. Wordlessly, he reached into the crib and grabbed Boom, moving her closer to Ahato, until their bodies were touching. Almost immediately the girls fell silent, drifting off together.

"..Mind explaining what that was about?" Sasori said.

"They need to be close to each other to sleep," Deidara explained calmly. "They're always together when we wake them up in the morning, un. I just guessed that moving them nearer to one another would fix the problem, un.

"Is this one of those twin things Konan keeps telling me about?"

"I think so, un."

"As long as they don't cry, it's fine with me."

Deidara smiled softly and reached down to the children again, lightly running his fingertips over Ahato's forehead. "They're beautiful, un," he whispered, moving to gingerly stroke the red peach fuzz on the top of Boom's scalp.

"Of course they are," Sasori murmured, wrapping his arms around the blonde's waist. "Just look at their mother."

"Do you have any idea how cheesy that sounds?" Deidara asked, leaning into the embrace and smiling as Sasori kissed his cheek. "Let's go to bed, un."

"Fine by me," the puppeteer replied, pulling the blonde towards their mattress.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Boom wailed.

The artists sighed and broke apart, Deidara moving back to the crib and picking up the crying girl. "Boom, you have to learn not to cry when danna and I are having a moment, un," he chided gently.

Ahato began crying as well, demanding Sasori's attention. "They're a lovely tag team, aren't they?" the Akasuna muttered.

"Un."

--

A.N.: Ahato means art, and boom means...well, boom.


	15. part 14

~~~~~~~~~~~rewind, one month~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hidan was sitting up in bed, propped up by several pillows. Kakuzu was standing at his side, looking down at the bundle in Hidan's arms. "Finally we get some testosterone around this place," Hidan mumbled.

"Pein ought to be glad that we had a boy," Kakuzu replied, looking down at his son. "Too bad he looks like me, though."

"Why the hell's that a bad thing?" Hidan demanded. "Girl's dig the dark and handsome thing."

"Apparently so do Jashinists," Kakuzu stated with a smirk.

"Shut the hell up," Hidan commanded. "And yes I do."

The baby began to whine, disrupting Hidan and Kakuzu's conversation. "Shh," Hidan whispered, rocking the child in his arms in an attempt to calm it down.

"What's his name going to be?" Kakuzu asked.

"I like Amaifuyu," Hidan said.

"Amaifuyu? That's kinda long."

"Like I give a-" a wail from the baby cut him off, ending the argument before it even started.

~~~~~~~~fast-forward three months (sounds like VCR instructions)~~~~~~

Deidara was sitting on the ground in front of a rocking chair, where Ahato and Boom were currently stretched out. He gently rocked the chair back and forth with one hand, watching his daughters sleep. "You're smarter than you look," a monotone voice stated.

The sculptor turned to see Itachi walk into the room, holding Amaifuyu in his arms. The miser and masochist had recently been sent on a mission, and the weasel had been drafted to watch the infant.

The Uchiha approached the bomber, sitting down on the ground beside him. "It took me four months to figure out that Tenshi liked being rocked in the chair without me."

"That's where I got the idea, un," Deidara admitted. "Speaking of her, where is she?"

"Kisame's playing with her before he has to leave. She has to go to bed before he departs, so he's trying to squeeze in a little playtime." Amaifuyu began to squirm in his arms, so he set the infant down on the couch behind him. Immediately the child calmed down, falling back asleep.

"I do not look forward to the day where that child can speak, un," Deidara said, shaking his head.

"Or figures out where we keep the knives," Itachi added.

"Daddy!" the two Akatsuki turned to the doorway, where Kisame was standing with Tenshi in his arms.

He set the girl down, and she hurried as fast her little legs would allow across the room to her father. "Bed?" Itachi asked knowingly. Tenshi was already dressed in her light blue footie pajamas, and she had a tired look in her eyes.

"Uh-uh," Tenshi said, yawning as she did so.

"That's a yes," Itachi stated, hugging the girl and kissing her forehead. "Goodnight Tenshi."

"Night daddy," she replied as Kisame came over and picked her up. "Love you."

"She pretty developed for a two-year-old, un," Deidara stated.

"She'll be three in a few months," Itachi argued.

"She's going to turn into a little genius like you," Deidara stated flatly.

"I'd prefer her to be completely average," Itachi remarked.

Deidara raised a brow at the words. He hadn't expected the weasel to take such a negative attitude towards his daughter's capabilities. "Why?"

"She's going to have social problems," Itachi replied, eyes falling on the bomber's daughters.

"So? That didn't stop you from, erm…"

"See?"

"Well, your life didn't turn out too bad, un. You're with Kisame and you have a kid, don't you?"

"Hn."

"See? Tenshi'll be fine. You'd be better off worrying about Amaifuyu," Deidara said, motioning to the sleeping boy. "Considering what kind of parents he has, he'll never get a date, un."

"Neither is Tenshi. At least not until she's thirty."

"Ahato and Boom have to wait until they're forty," the bomber declared. Boom awoke, and began whimpering softly. "Now hush," Deidara ordered, picking up the girl and bouncing her gently in his arms. "That's just the way it's going to be, un."

"There's nothing wrong with waiting that long," another voice called out.

Deidara turned around just in time to see Sasori appear behind him. "Welcome back danna," the sculptor said.

"Are you speaking from personal experience?" Itachi asked the redhead.

"As a matter of fact, yes," the Akasuna replied, slipping his arms around the blonde's waist. "I didn't meet Dei until a few years ago, after all," he murmured, kissing down the blonde's neck gently.

"Not in front of the babies, un!" Deidara protested in an angry whisper, blushing madly.

"Relax, they won't notice if you stay quiet," Itachi assured them, picking up Amaifuyu and walking out of the room. Leaving Deidara in the hands of his very horny danna.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Meanwhile, in Finland~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Zetsu?" Tobi asked.

"What is it?"

"Why are Zetsu and Tobi in Finland?"

"Because Tobi, the evil author of this abomination doesn't need us right now. **Damn bitch."**

"Zetsu, you shouldn't anger the evil author!"

"Why not? It's not like-" Zetsu was cut off as a he was trampled by a herd of rabid Finnish elks.

"Tobi tried to warn you like a good boy," the masked nin stated, trying to scrape his friend off the ground with a spatula.

--

A.N. Amaifuyu means sweet winter


	16. part 15

A few weeks before Tenshi's third birthday, Konan finally went into labor. Amazingly, Pein had actually remembered to get the painkillers this time. Still, they could only help so much, and soon enough Konan was screaming.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ten hours later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pein looked like he was going to be sick. "Is it honestly that bad?" he asked.

"Yes," the three ukes chorused.

"Worse, actually, since _someone_ forgot the medicine for us, un!" Deidara snapped.

"Sorry," Pein weakly muttered, stiffening as another scream cut through the air.

Fortunately for the distraught leader, the medic emerged from the room ten minutes later. "Twin boys," she said with a smile. "You're welcome to see them now, if you like."

Pein nodded and walked towards the door. Before entering the room, he turned to Hidan and nodded to the masochist. Hidan grinned and picked up his scythe, walking towards the oblivious medic.

Just as the medic had said, Konan was sitting in bed with two boys in her arms. One had blue peach fuzz; the other, orange. They must have been fraternal twins then. "Now are you happy?" Pein asked, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed with a smile on his face.

"Yes," she affirmed, cuddling the babies to her chest.

"Am I going to get a chance to hold them?"

"My babies!" she growled. "Mine mine mine!"

"You're going to turn into an overly possessive mother, aren't you?"

"Maybe."

"Do I at least get to pick a name for one of them?"

"Fine," she agreed. "But this one," she said, motioning with her head to the orange-haired boy, "is going to be Heki."

"Alright, then you'll be…." The leader frowned. "Um, well, he can be…"

"Yes?" Konan asked.

"…Hakushi?"

"Named for what was going on in your head, no doubt."

"You can be so cruel," Pein muttered.

"I get it from you, honey."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~two years later~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Are you kidding?!" Hidan demanded angrily, rising to his feet only to be pulled back down onto the couch by Kakuzu.

"Please tell me that this is some kind of sick joke," Sasori begged.

"I'm sorry, but it's not," Pein replied grimly. The entire Akatsuki had been gathered in the living room for an important announcement.

"Pein, there is no way we are all leaving the base at the same time!" Kisame declared. "Who the heck's gonna look after the kids?!"

"Tenshi can't take care of them all, un," Deidara pointed out. "She's not even five, un!"

"I am well aware of that!" Pein said. "But hear me out. Recently, a deal with one of our allies went wrong. The problem is, they know exactly where we are. It's highly probable that they will attack us soon. That puts every one of us at risk, including your children."

There was dead silence as the words sank in. "You have to believe me," Pein went on. "The only way we can guarantee the safety of the Akatsuki as a whole is if we all go out there and fight. We're not safe until every one of them is dead, and the quickest way to get that to happen is for everyone to be involved."

"That still doesn't change the fact that someone needs to stay here with the children," Itachi stated calmly.

"…We can spare Tobi and Zetsu," Pein said. "But that's it. Can you people live with that?"

"Someone's better than no one," Kakuzu said. A few other affirmatives were heard, but as a whole the members weren't sure about leaving their children in the incapable hands of an idiot and a cannibal.

"So help me, Zetsu, if you do anything to Heki or Hakushi," Konan began.

"You'll blow me up, gut me, trap me in the Tsukiyomi, shred me to pieces, sacrifice me, break every bone in my body, or something worse, right? The others got to me first."

"Well here's another thing to add to the list," she hissed. "I'll castrate you with this!" She held up a piece of paper for him to see.

"…Paper?"

"It will be the most painful paper cut you will ever know," she promised him. With that, she walked off to give her sons their goodbye.

"…Why do we let these things happen?** I don't know, but I blame you. **Tobi, get the chicken wire!"

~~~~~~~~~~one hour and impromptu fencing later~~~~~~~~~~~

"That wasn't too hard," Zetsu said, setting Ahato on the floor. He and Tobi had been able to rig up a crude pen in the middle of the living room, which now housed all the children except for Tenshi.

"Aww, it's like a petting zoo!" Tobi squealed, bending down by the pen and staring inside at the toddlers.

"Speaking of which," Zetsu said, looking at the clock, "it's feeding time." He walked into the kitchen, returning moments later with a box of animal crackers. He quickly tore open the box and began tossing handfuls of crackers into the pen, where they were quickly scooped up by the children within. While they were eating, he grabbed the remote and turned on the TV, flipping to an episode of Teletubbies. Immediately the youth were hypnotized by the disturbing television show. "Parenting's easy," the schizo said. **"Wonder why those wimps keep complaining about it."**

"You're just lucky they're in a good mood," Tenshi stated.

"**How long have you been here**?!" the plant man demanded.

"A while," she said. "I wanna make sure you behave like daddy and poppa told you to."

"Oh, a little spy, eh?"

"Zetsu," Tobi called out, "there's some guy crawling around the bushes!"

"Some guy-oh shit!"

BOOOOOOOM

Zetsu barely had time to shield Tenshi before the front door came flying across the room, crashing into the far wall. Immediately the schizo was on his feet, running towards the doorway as he drew a knife. "Tobi, get the kids to the storage room! NOW!"

For once the masked nin obeyed the man without hesitation, and immediately smashed in a side of the pen, grabbing Heki and Amaifuyu. Tenshi was fast on his heels and picked up Boom. They'd have to come back for the other two. Following Tobi as fast as she could, the two bolted down the hall, the sounds of battle already ringing in their ears.

The storage room was about as far from the living room as you could be in the base without actually leaving the building. The room itself was full of wooden crates, and smelled damp and moldy.

Tobi quickly set the two boys he held behind a crate on the far end of the room. "Tenshi, be a good girl and keep everyone quiet, ok?" the girl nodded, hushing the crying children as Tobi left to get the others. Without Tenshi to slow him down, he was able to return moments later, carrying Ahato and Hakushi. "Tobi is going to help Zetsu now," the man explained. "Stay here, and do not come out no matter what. Understand?"

"Don't go!" Tenshi begged.

"Tenshi, Tobi has to, or else Zetsu might get really hurt," he said gently, not wanting to frighten the child.

"Ok," Tenshi finally whispered, sitting down and pulling the children close to her. Tobi patted the girl on the head, then disappeared from sight.

The blue-haired girl sat in the middle of the toddlers, shaking. It felt like an eternity passed, and all she could hear was the sound of the children breathing, and the far-off sounds of a fight taking place.

She gasped and jumped when she heard the sounds of the storage room opening. Tenshi was tempted to call out for Tobi, but held it in. "Is anyone in here?" an unknown male voice asked.

Tenshi's heart began to pound; how had someone gotten past Zetsu and Tobi?! More importantly, what was she supposed to do now? "Hey, if you're hiding, come out now!" another male commanded.

The child's mind was racing. She couldn't fight them; and hiding was out of the question, since that would expose the toddlers.

"We know you're in here," the first man called out. Now Tenshi could hear the sounds of someone walking across the room, footsteps echoing like gunshots each time they moved. She winced as she heard several crates topple to the ground. "Come out now!" the second man ordered.

At that instant, Heki began to cry.

Seconds later, Tenshi was looking up into the eyes of a blood-covered man, grinning and holding a knife. "Hello, kiddies," he said, grinning sadistically at the children.

Pein and Konan were sitting under an oak tree, resting. It was a very good thing the entire group had gone; if even one of them had been missing, they would not have come out of this battle as the victors.

The leader looked up as a shadow crossed over him. He watched as Deidara and Sasori flew down on the back of one of Deidara's clay birds, hopping onto the ground moments later. "No survivors within a ten mile radius," the Akasuna reported as Deidara sent the bird into the air, blowing it up seconds later.

"Can we get back home then?" Itachi asked. "I have a bad feeling."

"Me too," Konan admitted.

"If no one escaped, we have no need to stay around here," Kakuzu pointed out.

"Then let's go," Pein said. Minutes later, all traces of the Akatsuki were gone.

"Oh no," Deidara muttered.

"What is it?" Pein demanded.

"I see smoke, un," the blonde replied, pointing to his scope.

"Is it…?" Konan asked softly.

"Why else would he point it out?" Hidan asked.

When they arrived, they found a pile of bodies laying outside the doorway. The door itself was nowhere to be seen. The inside was just as bad; corpses lay all over the ground, and the front room and living room looked like they'd been hit by a hurricane, fire, and earthquake all at once. "Damn, there must have been fifty of them!" Kisame declared, stomping down on a nearby body.

"**About time you showed up."** The Akatsuki as a whole jerked their heads in the direction of the voice.

Zetsu was lying on the ground, with more than a dozen knives sticking out of him. He was covered in blood (most of which was probably his own) and part of his flytrap had been smashed in.

While the others stared in shock at him, Konan ran over to the man, kneeling down by his side. "Zetsu?!"

"The kids are in the storage room," the schizo murmured, coughing up blood as he spoke. "Do me a favor. **Castrate me now, while I can't feel anything."**

"Where is Tobi?" Itachi suddenly asked.

"Wait," Pein commanded. "This whole place could be booby-trapped. We need to take things slowly-"

"The hell we do!" Hidan screamed.

"Kakuzu, you start putting Zetsu back together. Kisame, Sasori, spread out and search the outside for any additional enemies. I'll check in here. The rest of you are free to go to the storage room." The words were no sooner out of his mouth than the entire group had split up.

More bodies were laying in the hallway, in slightly better shape than the ones they'd previously encountered. "They really went all out," Konan remarked sadly. "We have to-oh god, Tobi!"

The ninja was laying on the floor, mask badly cracked. His leg was bent at an impossible angle, and his breathing was shallow.

Konan tried to move to the fallen man, only to be held back by Itachi. "Look," he commanded, pointing to the ground past the ninja. Twin trails of blood drops led away from the man, down the hall…

And into the storage room.

Panic rising, the group hurried into the room. "Tenshi, are you guys in here?!" Konan screamed, anxiety apparent in her tone.

Their answer came in the form of soft sobbing.

Turning on the lights, the four spread out, searching for the children. "They're back here, un!" Deidara called out. Instantly the other three converged on him.

Two bodies lay in front of the children, cold and unmoving. The toddlers were asleep, but Tenshi was curled into a ball, sobbing into her hands. "Tenshi," Deidara said, reaching out to the girl-

Only to receive a blood-chilling scream in response.

The adults jumped, and the toddlers awoke, crying. Deidara, Hidan, and Konan set about to hushing them, while Itachi kneeled down in front of his daughter. "Tenshi, it's me," he whispered. The girl continued crying, but didn't scream when Itachi put his hands on her shoulders. "Tenshi, it's alright. We're here now."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Tenshi, you have no reason to be…" the rest of his sentence died when the girl looked up at him.

Her pupils were blood red. "I didn't mean to hurt them," she whispered.

"Tenshi," he murmured, bringing the girl close to him.

"They were gonna hurt us," she whimpered. "I just got mad, and then…" the rest of her explanation was lost in her sobs. Itachi picked the girl up, carrying her out of the room.

He walked down the hallway, eventually running into both Kisame and Pein. "What happened?" Pein demanded.

"The kids are ok," Itachi said, nuzzling his cheek against the top of Tenshi's head.

"Yes, but what happened?" the leader repeated.

Itachi looked to the leader and mouthed the words, "Tenshi used Sharingan."

For a moment, the two men could only stare at the weasel and child. "She's not even five!" Pein finally got out.

"She will be, in a few weeks," Kisame said, holding his head. "Oh my…oh god…"

"She's taking it hard," Itachi said. "We'll be in our room, if you need us, Pein." That said, Itachi walked off, keeping his hand over his daughter's eyes so she wouldn't see the carnage all around her. The poor girl had been through enough already.

--

A.N.: Heki means stab. Hakushi means blank, like a blank piece of paper


	17. part 16

For the next few weeks, Pein kept all the Akatsuki members at home. Their base was badly damaged, and they needed everyone there to repair headquarters as quickly as possible. It sounded simple enough.

However, trying to manage construction while keeping an eye on six children is much easier said then done.

"Ack! Boom, get away from that, un!" Deidara ordered, grabbing his daughter before she had a chance to touch the blades of a power saw. The girl immediately began whimpering, but Deidara's face remained impassive. "No un," he said firmly, carrying her out of the entryway and into the living room, where Ahato was crawling around. "Now be a good little firework and play with your sister, ok?" he set the girl down, allowing her to crawl towards her twin.

"Hey, blondie," Hidan called out, carrying his son into the room. Amaifuyu's dark green shirt and black pants were a sharp contrast to the bright blue shirts and shorts the twins were wearing. "Keep an eye on Amaifuyu, will ya?"

"Why, un?"

"Because someone has to keep a Jashin-damned eye on the kids, and since you're sitting on your ass already it may as well be you," Hidan replied, dropping his kid onto the couch before the sculptor could protest.

"Great, un," Deidara muttered as Hidan walked off, presumably to either bug Kakuzu or help with the repairs. His money was on the first choice.

He sighed and set the male toddler on the floor. No point in letting the kid roll off the couch and crack his skull. He wondered if Amaifuyu was immortal like Hidan or not. Probably not; he could vaguely recall the masochist bragging about immortality being Jashin's gift to him-

His mind was tugged back to reality by the sound of Amaifuyu yowling. He looked to the male and saw that Boom had crawled on top of him and was holding him down, while Ahato was tugging on his hair. "Be nice," Deidara commanded, wrapping an arm around each girl and pulling them into his lap. The girls immediately began crying, while Amaifuyu crawled away. "This is going to be a long day, un," the blonde muttered.

--

"Heki?! Heki, where are you?!" Konan called out frantically.

"He's right here," Pein said in an annoyed tone, walking into he hall and carrying Heki in his arms. "I told you, we were going into the kitchen for lunch."

"Heki!" Konan squealed, plucking her son out of Pein's arms and hugging him to her chest.

"You are going to give him mental problems later on if you act like this every time he's not around you," Pein muttered, shaking his head. "And where is Hakushi?"

"In our room! Their naptime is 1 p.m., and it is now 1 p.m. and thirty-two seconds!" Konan snapped, spinning on her heels and making a beeline for the bedroom.

"Why do you have to let her have kids?" Pein asked himself. "you could have gotten her a puppy, or a monkey! But no, you had to go and knock her up, didn't you?" continuing his self-berating, the leader wandered off to see hwo the repairs were coming.

Not well, as it turned out.

Sasori kept stealing pieces of timber, claiming they would be perfect for his puppets, Kakuzu had taken half the supplies back to the hardware store for a refund, claiming that they obviously could have found cheaper products if they had looked hard enough, and Tobi, the only one who appeared to be doing _anything_, had managed to nail the front door shut.

Pein could have cried. "'Go into politics', mother said. 'You would make a wonderful leader,' she said. Why did I have to go off and start a criminal organization?" Grumbling, he walked forward, intent on at least trying to get the others to work.

--

"Tenshi, you have to get up."

The girl poked her head out from under the blankets, staring at her father with dull, listless eyes. "Come on sweetie," Itachi murmured, picking the girl up and holding her close. The blue-haired female gripped the fabric of her father's shirt tightly as she was carried out of the room.

Itachi took her into the now-vacant living room, sitting down on the couch. "Tenshi, are you hungry?" he asked quietly.

The girl shook her head. "Do you want to go outside?" Another no. "Do you just want to play here for a while?" A pause, then a nod. The Uchiha set his daughter on the ground, allowing her to walk off and grab a doll from the pile of toys that had managed to accumulate in the corner of the room.

The sound of Deidara laughing suddenly cut through the air, and seconds later the blonde appeared, holding his daughters. "All right, you can play now, un," he said, putting the girls on the floor and allowing them to crawl around the floor.

He smiled, watching the twins for a moment, before turning and walking towards the couch. It was then that he noticed Itachi and Tenshi.

His smile disappeared, and he quietly made his way over to the weasel. "How is she, un?" the sculptor asked, concern on his face as he sat by the weasel.

"The same," Itachi answered, eyes never leaving his daughter.

"She won't even talk, un?"

"No."

The blonde looked to the eldest child, who was turning the doll over in her hands, mouth set in a frown, eyes half-lidded. "I know it doesn't help much, but Sasori and I are deeply in her debt, un. Without her, Ahato and Boom would be gone right now."

"She still can't wrap her mind around that," Itachi stated plainly, a pained look crossing his face. He may have been a cold-hearted murderer, but seeing his own child this hurt twisted him up on the inside. "All she knows is she lost control and killed two people."

"What are you going to do, un?"

"Hn," Itachi replied, falling back against the couch and sighing.

Deidara's attention was momentarily dragged away from his friend when he saw Boom grab the edge of the coffee table and pull herself to her feet. He couldn't help but grin widely as the girl slowly began walking across the room. She'd been trying to walk for several weeks now, and was finally getting the hang of it.

The redhead toddled across the room, heading straight for Tenshi. Both Deidara and Itachi watched in silence as the girl stepped right beside the Uchiha's child, then fell forward into her laugh. Tenshi made no move, and all Boom did was grin and laugh happily.

Suddenly, Tenshi began sniffling. Moments later, tears were running down her cheeks, and she was crying. Seeing and hearing the pain her friend was in, Boom began sobbing as well. "Crap, un,' Deidara muttered, rising from the couch along with Itachi and hurrying to the children.

Itachi picked up his daughter, rocking her gently in his arms. "Let's go," he said, walking towards the hall.

"No!" Tenshi cried. Both the weasel and artist started when they heard Tenshi speak. "Please daddy," she went on, "can I stay and play with Ahato and Boom?"

The weasel looked to the blonde, who nodded his head. "Yes," Itachi replied, setting the child down on the ground.

Deidara soon put Boom on the floor as well, and in only moments the girls were playing together. Ahato, sensing that her sister was getting more attention than her, hurried across the room and did her best to tackle the blue-haired child. Picking up her cue, Boom grabbed Tenshi's hair, tugging the thick locks and successfully bringing the child to the ground. Ahato sat on the elder child, while Boom pulled on her arms, as if wanting to see if the limbs would pop off. "Your children are going to grow up to be the terrors of this base," Itachi stated plainly.

"But they're too cute to be hated for it, un," Deidara said smugly.

Despite her obvious discomfort, Tenshi laughed from under Ahato, who giggled in response. "Do you mind if I leave Tenshi with those two for a bit?" Itachi asked.

"Don't see why not, un," Deidara said with a shrug.

Permission given, Itachi rose and left, wordless thanks in his eyes.

Deidara sat back down on the couch, staring at the three girls in his charge. "With Tenshi's brains and Ahato and Boom's tag team skills, they're gonna terrorize the whole world, un," he said, smirking at the thought.


	18. part 17

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~three years later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Konan walked into her room and swore softly. Her clothes were all over the floor. Again.

Slightly agitated, the woman exited the bedroom and walked down the hallway, heading straight for the living room. Sure enough, there were the culprits behind the mess in her room.

Tenshi, Ahato, Boom, and Amaifuyu were playing dress-up in the living room, each clothed in an outfit pilfered from the blue-haired woman's closet. "Guys, how many times do I have to tell you?" she asked gently, crossing the room to the children. "If you want to play with my clothes, ask first."

"We're sorry Auntie Konan," Ahato and Boom quietly said in unison.

"Hn," Tenshi added, already pulling off the dress she was wearing.

"Amaifuyu, you don't have to wear dresses with the girls, you know that, don't you?" Konan asked, feeling sorry for the poor boy.

"But I feel pretty!" he protested.

Fortunately for Konan, Sasori walked into the room at that moment. Instantly the twins' bright blue eyes lit up. "Danna!" the redheads squealed, rushing to their father.

"Do you have any idea how wrong it is for your daughters to call you danna?" Konan asked with a smirk.

"I can't make them stop!" Sasori explained in an exasperated tone. Deidara's nickname for the Akasuna had created an unforeseen problem when the girls began speaking, and now they knew the redhead as danna.

Sasori bent down and hugged the girls, kissing them in turn. "I've told you two, I'm daddy, understand?"

"Yes danna!" they replied with smiles on their faces.

"You two are lucky you're so cute," he muttered, picking up Ahato and grabbing Boom with his free hand. "Now come on. Dei-Dei wants to say goodbye before he leaves on his mission." Moments later the redheaded trio had left the room, with Konan, Tenshi and Amaifuyu remaining to clean up the mess.

"This sucks," Amaifuyu muttered, squinting as he kneeled down, fumbling about to pick up the clothes on the ground. A fact that both Konan and Tenshi had noticed over the past few days.

Frowning, Konan kneeled down in front of the boy, while Tenshi continued the clean-up. "Amaifuyu, how many fingers am I holding up?" she asked, sticking two digits in his face.

"Um…three. No, four! Wait, dammit…yeah, four."

Sweetie, you need glasses," Konan stated.

"The hell I do!"

"Language," Tenshi said, folding the last dress and setting it on a pile of clothes to her left.

"What's wrong with glasses?" Konan asked. "They'll make you look cute."

"Glasses are expensive," the boy argued, magenta eyes flashing.

"If you can't see, you can't grow up to be a ninja," Tenshi stated firmly.

"But I wanna be a ninja!" the boy protested.

"Then we're going to get you some glasses," Konan said firmly.

"Daddy's gonna kill me," Amaifuyu murmured sadly, sitting on the floor as tears came to his eyes.

"Not if I can help it," Konan said, a reassuring smile on her face.

"I'll go with you and help pick them out," Tenshi promised.

"Promise?" he asked with a sniffle.

"Yes," the Uchiha child replied.

"Hey, anyone seen Amaifuyu?" Hidan asked, walking into the room.

Everyone froze as the zealot caught sight of his son, reclining on the floor in a bright orange dress.

The masochist blinked, then sighed and crossed the room. "Amaifuyu," he began, kneeling down by his son, "that dress is not your color. You got your Jashin-damned father's skin color, so you're better in green and light blue. Clear?"

Meanwhile, the female twins had been carried into the entryway of the house, only to discover that Pein had delayed the blonde's departure time by a few hours. The two were now playing in the kitchen with Heki and Hakushi, under the semi-watchful gaze of Sasori.

It is important to note that while the girls got along swimmingly, the twin boys were another story altogether. Heki and Hakushi could barely be kept in the room for five minutes without finding something to fight about. Currently, that something was a some_one_; poor little Ahato.

"She's my friend!" Heki said, pulling on the girl's arm.

"No, she's mine!" the blue-haired boy argued, yanking on her other arm. A tug of war ensued, with Ahato caught in the middle.

"OWWW! Danna!" she whined, hoping Sasori would come to her aid.

"Stop fighting, or I'll tell your mommy that you two won't play nice," Sasori growled to the boys. His threat was ignored, and the male twins continued to torment his daughter. "Alright, that's it," he said, rising from his chair at the table.

Before he could even move one step, though, Boom came flying past him. "Get off her!" she commanded. Sasori watched as she leaned back, a poorly formed bird in her hand, and then threw it at the boys.

Wait, poorly formed bird-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Sasori's eyes widened as his jaw dropped. Half the counter had been blown to kingdom come, and all four children were somewhat singed. Boom and Ahato were giggling happily, while Heki and Hakushi clung to one another, trembling in fear of the redheads.

Finally, Sasori spoke. "Oh Deidara," he called out loudly, "Come here and see what your, "little firework", just did!"


	19. part 18

Deidara walked into the room, frowning. "Danna, what are you…yelling…" the rest of his question trailed off as he caught sight of the counter's charred remains, wide eyes traveling ever so slowly to his daughters and frowning lover. "Un?"

"Boom just made the counter go boom," Sasori bluntly explained.

"Really?!" Deidara hurried towards his daughter, kneeling down and grinning. "Boom, is that true? Did you use exploding clay, or make an actual sculpture-"

"AHEM!" Sasori snapped, glaring at the two.

"Oh," Deidara said, stopping his talk. His smile fell, and he stood and cleared his throat. "Boom, you shouldn't blow up the furniture, un. Go to your room." The girl nodded, walking sullenly to the doorway. As she was about to exit the room, she turned back to her father, just in time to catch the wink Deidara gave her. Smiling, she hurried from the kitchen.

Sasori turned to his blonde, frowning but missing the wink. "Don't you have a mission to go on?"

Deidara chuckled, as he leaned forward and gave the Akasuna a kiss. "Love you danna, un," he said before exiting the kitchen.

The redheaded male rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he did so. "Come on Ahato," he said, scooping up the child. "We're going to give you a bath."

"W-What about us?" Heki asked, clinging to Hakushi while staring fearfully at the small girl in Sasori's arms.

"Oh. Right," Sasori said uncertainly. "I suppose I'll have to tell Pein about this."

--

"She did WHAT?!" Pein yelled.

"Blew the counter to pieces," Sasori repeated while wincing and rubbing his ear. The two were currently sitting in Pein's office, discussing the recent explosion in the kitchen.

Pein groaned, rubbing his temples in frustration. "This is exactly why I didn't want Deidara to have kids in the first place!"

"What are you going to do?" Sasori asked.

"Ordinarily, I would remove one of the bombers, but I highly doubt that idea would go over well," Pein said, noticing the puppet master's glare. "The most I can do is order the two of you to restrain Boom. Also, keep Ahato from picking up the habit."

"But she likes explosions," Sasori argued.

"Yes, and she likes you more than Deidara. Spend some quality time with her and convince her puppets are better than bombs. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir," Sasori replied, rising from his seat.

"And Sasori?"

"Yes?"

"…I'm sorry, but we cannot afford three bombers. If Ahato turns out like her father and sister, I will have to resort to drastic measures.

"I understand. But," Sasori went on, "if you resort to "drastic measures" then so will I."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~meanwhile~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Do we hafta tell daddy now?" Amaifuyu asked nervously, clutching onto Konan's cloak.

"The sooner we get you glasses, dear, the better," Konan told him reassuringly. The boy nodded but clung that much harder to the fabric of Konan's cloak.

The two walked down the hallway, heading for Kakuzu's room. Upon arrival, Amaifuyu ducked behind the female, while Konan knocked on the door. "Come in," the miser's voice called out. Konan reached down to grab Amaifuyu's hand in a comforting manner, and then opened the door.

The miser was at work at his desk, face hidden by his mask. "Kakuzu, I need to talk to you," she stated.

"What about? I'm busy."

"We need to go to town to see an eye doctor."

"Doctors are expensive," Kakuzu immediately replied, making his son flinch from behind the origami mistress.

"Yes, but I'm pretty sure Amaifuyu needs glasses," Konan said, pulling the boy to stand in front of her.

Kakuzu raised a brow at his son, whose eyes seemed to have become glued to the carpeting in their room. "Amai?" he asked.

"…"

"Amaifuyu, is there something wrong with your eyes?"

"No," the boy lied.

"He can't see three feet in front of his face!" Konan declared.

Kakuzu slid his chair back, climbed out of it and kneeled down in front of the black-haired boy. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, more in disbelief that his son had kept quiet than anything else.

"Glasses cost a lot," the child murmured, magenta eyes downcast.

"So? If you need something like that, tell me," Kakuzu said.

Amaifuyu sniffled. "Sorry daddy," he muttered.

"It's ok," the banker replied, pulling his son into a gentle hug. When they broke apart, he cocked his head and smoothed down Amaifuyu's hair with his fingers. "While we're at it, we may as well get you a haircut-"

"Hell no!" Hidan cried. The zealot chose that moment to barge into the room at top speed and scoop up his child. "His hair looks adorable like this, dammit!" he snapped, running his fingers through Amaifuyu's hair, which now hung down to the nape of his neck.

"All right, I won't touch it!" Kakuzu conceded, throwing up his hands in defeat.

"_Such a cute family_," Konan thought. With a smile on her face, she backed slowly out of the room.

"There she is," Tenshi suddenly stated nfrom behind Konan.

The woman had just enough time to turn around before she was glomped by her two sons. "Mommy!" they cried out.

"What is it?! What happened?" she inquired, immediately bending down to hold her kids.

"Boom tried to blow them up," Tenshi explained with a shrug, walking off and leaving the three alone.


	20. part 19

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~several months later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pein sighed, walking past his office door dejectedly. It had been weeks since he'd assigned one of the members to a mission. As a matter of fact, the entire base was currently under quarantine.

Kakuzu, being the cheap bastard he was, hadn't bothered to shell out for flu shots this year. And guess who'd gotten sick? Every single child in the Akatsuki base. So why did this hinder the Akatsuki's missions?

Try ordering an S-ranked criminal to leave the base for two weeks when their kid is bedridden with a runny nose, a fever, and a sore throat from all their coughing.

At the moment, all the children were in the living room in an effort to keep the virus from spreading all over the base. Pein had been sent to get a few more blankets for the children, and was on his way back to the makeshift hospital wing. The actual medical area had been deemed too small to accommodate six kids and eight worried parents, so the living room was the next best thing.

Pein came back into the room to find everything and everyone in the exact same place they'd been in when he'd left. The couch had been folded out into a bed, upon which the children, minus Tenshi, were curled up. In order to give the younger kids more space, she'd opted to rest in the easy chair. The parents were crowded around the couch, each near their own offspring, and Itachi and Kisame were by the chair. Zetsu and Tobi had gone to town for cold medicine and soup mix, leaving Pein to be the one to fetch any items the others needed. Like the covers he was now holding. "Someone ask for blankets?" he asked, pushing he way to the couch.

Ahato and Boom were curled up next to each other, both trying to rob body heat from their twin. Amaifuyu was sitting up, blowing his nose, and Heki and Hakushi were at the foot of the bed, coughing up gunk.

Pein quickly draped the covers over the children, adding to the three others already piled onto the couch. Task completed, he approached the armchair and draped the last blanket over Tenshi. "There you go, sweetie," he murmured. The illness infesting the base had brought out a surprisingly tender side to the leader, which may have also accounted for not forcing the members to go on missions.

Tenshi looked up at him with half-lidded eyes, her face flushed. "Hn," she replied, before allowing Itachi to wrap the covers tightly around her.

"Thanks," Kisame said, although whether he was translating for Tenshi or actually thanking the leader would forever be a mystery.

Boom whimpered on the couch, looking up with tears in her eyes at the sculptor standing over her. "Dei-dei, it hurts," she whined, sniffling.

"I know, un," Deidara murmured, stroking her and Ahato's heads gently. "Being sick's no fun."

"Danna," Ahato whimpered, coughing.

"I'm here," Sasori replied immediately, sitting down on the couch next to his children.

"Danna, I wanna sit in your lap," she requested. The Akasuna quickly picked her up and ,after pulling a blanket tightly around her, set her in his lap. Deidara didn't even wait for Boom to voice her request, and soon held his other daughter close to his chest.

Meanwhile, Amaifuyu had started coughing and sneezing. Hidan was sitting on the floor by him, thumping his back as he coughed. "I hate being sick," Amaifuyu grumbled, grabbing a tissue and blowing his nose again.

"It sucks," Hidan agreed. The zealot then smiled. "But it's also the only time your dad won't bitch about sitting around on your ass all day." This remark earned him a cuff from the banker, which only made his smile grow.

Heki and Hakushi were reclining with their heads in Konan's lap, allowing their mother to smooth down their hair in a soothing manner. "Mommy, I hate the flu," Heki complained.

"Me too," Hakushi muttered, for once in agreement with his twin.

All heads turned when Tenshi broke out into a long coughing fit, accompanied by several dry heaves. The child shut her eyes and bit her lip, obviously trying to hold back the whimpers that wanted to escape her mouth. Kisame paled, while Itachi gently rubbed the girl's back. "Shh, it's ok," he whispered, kissing the child's forehead.

"We should've asked Zetsu and Tobi to kidnap a medical ninja," Kakuzu stated. "It would've been cheaper, and more effective then sending out for soup and medicine."

"It's a little late for that suggestion," a voice called out. Everyone turned to see Zetsu and Tobi enter the room, Tobi skipping merrily along while Zetsu slowly walked behind. Both were carrying plastic bags, which they set down in front of Pein. "We got the stuff. **I doubt it'll be very effective though**." Pein would have made a retort, but at that moment nearly all the children began wheezing. Without waiting for additional orders, Zetsu exited the living room, heading for his own chambers and muttering under his breath.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~one week later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Virtually no progress had been made with the children. If anything, they were getting worse. Tenshi was by far the sickest, running a fever over 104 last time she was checked. "Can we please get a medic now?!" Sasori snapped. Deidara made no comment; he was too busy staring at his daughters, who had been sleeping for the past two days, their faces flushed with fever.

"I second that motion," Konan stated. Heki was also unconscious, and Hakushi was coughing like there was no tomorrow.

"If we don't get a medic in here, they're going to end up in the hospital," Kisame remarked, kneeling down by Itachi. The Uchiha was sitting in the easy chair, holding Tenshi. By some miracle of fate the girl was still awake, although she clearly had no idea what was going on around her.

Pein knew better than to argue. "I'll send Zetsu out immediately-"

"It's too late for a medic," the schizo said, walking into the room. It was the first appearance he'd made since the grocery trip. **"They'd be beyond hope by the time we got back."**

"Then what the hell do you suggest we do?!" Hidan shouted.

"Give them this." For the first time, the other Akatsuki members noticed a clay bowl in Zetsu's hand, a spoon held in his fingers.

Wordlessly, the plant man crossed the room and kneeled down in front of Tenshi. "She doesn't look too heavy…" he murmured, dipping his spoon into the bowl and scooping out a small amount of ivy-colored paste that smelled like mint. He frowned, scraped a bit off on the side of the bowl, then brought the paste to Tenshi's lips. "**Tenshi, open your mouth**. Please."

The girl tilted her head back to look at Itachi. The weasel hesitated, then nodded. Tenshi opened her mouth, allowing the plant man to spoon feed her the medicine. She wrinkled her nose, then swallowed. "Gross," she whispered.

"I added mint to better the taste. Guess it didn't work." Once he was certain the Uchiha girl had swallowed the medicine, Zetsu walked to the couch and gave the other five some of the paste, varying the dosage based on size. "Give them more every hour, until this runs out," Zetsu prescribed, handing the bowl to Konan.

The female, as well as the rest of the Akatsuki, stared at Zetsu. "Zetsu, um…"

"Don't mention this. **And don't expect this kind of help ever again."**

"Why are you helping us now?" Pein asked.

"…They're cute kids," the schizo muttered, before exiting the room.

--

Three days later, the children were back to full health, and causing as much mayhem as ever. Zetsu and Pein were sitting at the kitchen table, watching calmly as the children ran through the house, nearly tripping several other members in the process. "We all owe you a huge thank you."

"I told you not to mention it. **Besides, I didn't do it for you people**."

"Really," Pein said with a smile.

"**Of course not.** Sick people taste funny, that's all."

"Keep telling yourself that," Pein murmured, sipping his coffee.


	21. part 20

As soon as the children got over their colds, their thoughts drifted to the one thing that made the dark and dreariness of wintertime worth it; Christmas.

"Dei-dei, is it Christmas yet??" Ahato asked, tugging on her father's sleeve. She, her twin, and the blonde were all seated at the table in the kitchen, eating breakfast. Or rather, Deidara was eating breakfast while trying to coax his energetic daughters into consuming their breakfast cereal, which was becoming increasingly soggy as time went on.

"Is it?" Boom repeated, pulling on the bomber's other sleeve.

"No, un, and it won't be for another week," Deidara explained, gently tugging his sleeves free.

"Dei-dei, make Christmas come sooner!" Boom demanded.

"Yeah, and save us all the headache this Jashin-damned heathen holiday brings," Hidan muttered. The zealot appeared to be rather agitated, as made apparent by the fact that he rubbing his temples as he walked into the kitchen.

"You're just mad 'cause Santa isn't gonna bring you anything!" Ahato declared.

"Yeah, 'cause you always say bad words!" Boom added.

"Let me tell you a little something about your Santa Claus-" Hidan began. Fortunately, Sasori noticed what was about to happen as he entered into the kitchen.

He was quick to attach chakra strings to the zealot and then slam him into a wall, effectively shutting him up. "Don't pay any attention to him," the redhead commanded, sitting down beside Ahato. "He's just mad that he won't be getting any presents this year."

"Only because there are children here, dammit," the masochist grumbled, rising to his feet and rubbing his head. He smirked at Deidara. "We can't exactly give them the kinds of presents we used to, eh blondie?"

Deidara blushed while his children looked at him with questioning eyes. "Dei-Dei, what's he talking about?" Boom asked. "Did you give Danna bad presents?"

"It's nothing," he assured the girls as his blush deepened.

"MUM!" Amaifuyu ran into the room at top speed, stumbling slightly before charging at Hidan and pouncing on the zealot. "Mum, daddy punched another hole in the Jashin damn wall!" he tattled.

For some unknown reason, Amaifuyu addressed Hidan as mum. Deidara and Konan were suspected of implanting the name, and it drove the zealot nuts, but Hidan did nothing to change it. In fact, Sasori, Itachi, and Pein were beginning to suspect he secretly like being called mum.

The zealot sighed and bent down, straightening himself after picking up his son. "Dear Jashin, you dented your glasses again," he muttered, trying to adjust the round, black frames of Amaifuyu's eyewear.

The child frowned, swatting his father's hand away. "Heki pushed me down. Stupid bastard."

"Amai, if you keep saying stuff like that, Santa won't get you any gifts!" Ahato cautioned.

"Eep!" the boy quickly shut his mouth, paling at the thought.

"Tch, don't worry," Hidan said, carrying his son to the counter and setting him down. His hands now free, the Jashinist walked across the room to the fridge and opened it up, prepared to find something for him and his son to eat. "Worst case scenario, you get coal, and we put it in the Jashin-damned furnace since a certain dumbass that shall remain nameless refuses to turn on the heat..." the rest of his grumbling was lost, both because of his low tone and for the sake of the censors.

--

Tenshi was in the living room, trying to do a crossword puzzle that had been left out on the coffee table. The entire room had been done over in Christmas style, complete with an evergreen tree, stockings by the fire (despite Kakuzu's complaining that they were a fire hazard) and mistletoe over the doorway. All this yuletide effort, though, was lost on the girl, so engrossed in the puzzle was she. "Seven letter word for catastrophic or destructive...Deidara!" She proudly wrote in her answer, failing to notice Kisame walking over behind her.

Smiling, the shark crept up from behind the couch, slowly leaning over, until, "BOO!"

WHAM

Kisame stumbled back clutching his nose, while Tenshi stared at the shark in horror, fist still raised from when she spun around and punched him. "Poppa!" Immediately she rushed to her father's side, radiating worry and regret. "Poppa, are you ok?!"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Kisame assured her, rubbing his nose.

The girl began sniffling. "I'm sorry, poppa."

"Tenshi, don't cry," Kisame said, bending down and putting a hand on the girl's shoulder. "It's fine. You didn't hurt me very badly." In all actuality, he was pretty sure his nose was broken, but there was no point in getting his daughter even more upset.

"You're lying," she accused, tears in her eyes now.

Kisame silently cursed the observational skills of the Uchihas. He'd been hoping that it would be a trait that skipped over his daughter. "Tenshi, it's fine. You didn't mean to hit me. Besides, you daddy used to do that whenever I'd sneak up on him." Actually, the one and only time he'd tried to sneak-attack Itachi had resulted in several kunais burying themselves in his vital organs, but he was desperate to comfort his child by now.

It worked. "Really?" Tenshi asked with a few more sniffs.

"Yup," Kisame replied, grinning widely.

"Poppa?"

"Yes?"

"Why'd you come in here in the first place?"

"Daddy wanted me to ask you what you wanted for Christmas."

This brought a smile to the child's face. "A copy of The Art of War!" she declared.

Kisame was only mildly surprised that she'd ask for something like that. "Erm, are you sure you'd want that, Tenshi? Why not something else? _Like something children your age normally read?"_

Tenshi frowned at this. "No way. Those other books I have are boring. I want something else to read!"

"Which ones?" Kisame asked, unable to recall his daughter ever complaining about the literature she'd been provided with.

"The Three Little Pigs, for one thing! Honestly, if the wolf had just set up a blockade around the brick house, he could have starved the pigs into submission, perhaps under the pretense of one being thrown out to him so the others could escape!"

"..."

"Better yet, he could have set fire to the straw and stick houses, roasting the pigs alive so he wouldn't even have had to bother with the brick house!"

"..."

"Or..." Tenshi continued on explaining her various strategies for the wolf, while Kisame stayed kneeling in front of her, staring in shock.

--

Itachi looked up when he heard the sound of Konan's door being opened. He and the female were in her room, wrapping a few more presents up. She quickly threw a blanket over the gifts while the weasel stepped in front of the bed, blocking the view in case it was a child.

To his surprise it was Kisame, clutching his nose in a pained manner.

Frowning, the Uchiha approached his lover, gently pulling the shark's hand away. His eyes widened when he saw the swordsman's damaged nose. "What happened?" he demanded, gazing at the shark with concern in his eyes.

Kisame shut his eyes and took a deep breath before he spoke. "Your daughter," he began, "wants The Art of War for Christmas. Had she been the wolf in children's fairy tales, **everyone would be dead**. And she has one hell of a right hook."

"...?"

"...?" Konan and Itachi both stared up at the shark, wondering what he meant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~one week later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mommy mommy!"

"Pops! Pops!!"

Konan and Pein both groaned and rolled away from their respective sides of the bed, which caused them to collide with one another. Immediately they sat up, clutching their faces from the force of the contact. "Yes kids?" Pein mumbled through gritted teeth.

His sons, of course, were unfazed. "It's Christmas!" They declared, now trying to drag their parents out of bed.

"And?" the leader grumbled as Konan rose from her side of the bed.

"They want to open P-R-E-S-E-N-T-S," she said, smiling at her sons. "Now get out of bed!"

Pein looked to his digital clock on the bedside table and groaned. "Konan, it is 5:30 in the morning." He lay down and rolled over, back facing his family. "Wake me when the sun's up."

The blue-haired woman frowned. "Get out of bed, or I won't do that thing you like in bed anymore."

Her threat worked and moments later Pein sat up, rising to his feet in a groggy manner. "Curse this holiday," he mumbled as he was dragged into the hall.

As fate would have it, the other children had woken up, and were also dragging their parents out of the rooms and down the hall. "Next year, we're making a no-getting-up-before-eight rule," Sasori grumbled as Ahato ran ahead of him, calling for the puppet master to hurry up.

"I second that motion," Kisame stated with a yawn.

By the time the adults arrived in the living room, the children were all gathered around the tree as Tenshi passed out their presents. "Hey, no opening anything until everyone's got their stuff!" Tenshi ordered as Heki began ripping into his gifts.

"Sorry," he muttered, impatiently waiting for the distribution to be finished.

Five minutes later every child had their presents. Thirty seconds after that, the floor was littered with wrapping paper.

Ahato was the first to squeal in delight from her gift. It was a puppet, carved in her likeness and roughly half her size. She rushed over to Sasori, begging him to show her how to play with puppets, the rest of her gifts forgotten.

Boom let out a twin cry moments later, shortly followed by Pein going white as a sheet, much to Deidara's joy. The bomber had gotten (what else?) explosive clay for his little firework. She, like Ahato, rushed over to her father, so eager to begin her art that the rest of her gifts were abandoned.

Heki and Hakushi had been hard to shop for, but Pein had finally settled on giving the gift of bunk beds. The two were already fighting about who would get to sleep on top. Konan, being the wiser of the two, had opted for a soccer ball, in hopes of wearing the children out before they went to bed. With any luck, they'd be too tired to put any real argument in who slept where.

Amaifuyu was sitting at his parent's feet. A Jashinist pendant hung around his neck, much to Hidan's delight, and the child was ripping into his other gift. When the box was unwrapped, however, Hidan began blinking in surprise. "…You got him a checkbook?"

"It's never too early to start saving!" Amaifuyu declared, making Kakuzu smile as Hidan gave his partner a flat look.

"You brainwashed our kid, you bastard," he accused, cuffing the miser upside the head.

"Just because I'm teaching him not to be an impulse buyer like you does not mean I brainwashed him," Kakuzu argued.

"You loved some of my impulse buys!"

"Name one."

"Your birthday, eight years ago. Or the year before that, dumbass. And that outfit I bought at the festival in the Land of Waves? And-"

"All right, I get it. But that last one only counts because you looked hot in it."

"There are children here!" Konan reminded the two before their chat went any further.

Meanwhile, Tenshi was oh-so-slowly opening her gifts. She carefully ran her nails along the package's tape, slitting it without tearing the wrapping paper so it was left in tact. "C'mon Tenshi, rip!" Kisame urged.

"Hn," was all she said as she finally removed the paper, smiling at her gift. "Yay! You got the book for me!"

Kisame smiled as Itachi gently handed another box to her. "Here Tenshi."

The girl quickly unwrapped her latest present. Kisame looked to his lover, hoping to catch some signal as to what was in the box. Itachi's face was stoic as ever, offering no hints. When the box was finally opened, Kisame sucked in a shallow breath.

The box held a white cat mask with red stripes.

Tenshi carefully picked it up, turning it over in her hands. Even if she didn't know what she was looking at, she knew there was something special about this. "Daddy, what's this mask for?"

Itachi smiled. "It's an ANBU mask. You've asked me before what other ninjas wear; there's your answer."

"Ohh…" she breathed softly, staring at the mask with renewed awe. She held perfectly still, as if considering her next move, before turning the mask over and putting it on. She then looked up to her fathers. "How do I look?" she asked, happiness apparent in her voice.

"Like a ninja, of course," Itachi assured her. Kisame smiled and nodded, words still beyond him.

"Tenshi, wanna play with us?" Heki called out from across the room. Hakushi was holding their new soccer ball under his arm, Amaifuyu at his side. Since the redheads were busy with their newly gained art, Tenshi's presence was no doubt needed to even the playing field.

"Coming!" she called out, standing up quickly.

The mask slipped off her face, but she managed to catch it before it hit the ground. "It's a little big," Itachi mused, "but it was made to fit a grown adult."

"Daddy, can you hold onto it?" she requested, holding the mask out for her father to take. The weasel took it from her, making the girl smile before turning and running to her friends.

When they were gone, Kisame turned his attention to Itachi. "Why did you give her your ANBU mask?" he asked quietly.

"I was cleaning out our closet, and happened upon it," Itachi explained. "Tenshi is becoming more and more interested in what life's like outside the Akatsuki…including what we were like before Akatsuki. Giving her the mask seemed the easiest way to break into the subject."

"It's scary, you know," Kisame stated. "She did look good in that mask. Like a real ninja."

"Hn."

"Although…" Itachi smiled as he felt an arm wrap around his waist. "I can think of someone who looked much better in it."

Itachi moved closer to the shark, snuggling into his side. "Love you, Kisame."

"Love you too, angel."


	22. part 21

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~four years later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tenshi was standing in the forest, looking at the targets that had been set up all around her. There were six bulls-eyes, and she held exactly six knives in her hands.

Once the nine-year-old was certain that she'd memorized the layout, she shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and threw her weapons.

The girl smiled when she heard the satisfying thud of each of her weapons hitting their intended target. When she opened her eyes, Tenshi wasn't surprised in the least to find that all her weapons had hit dead center. "All right, now for something more tricky." She gulped, but reminded herself that if her daddy could do it, then so could she.

The girl removed six more knives from the pouch on her hip, before jumping straight up into the air.

At the peak of her leap, she threw the weapons, twisting around so each one would hit its desired target. She wasn't surprised in the least when the blades embedded themselves next to her other knives in the targets.

Landing gracefully, she began hopping from tree to tree, quickly removing her weapons and pocketing them as she went. She soon returned to her original position. "Now then…" Tenshi pulled out six knives, took a deep breath, and leapt into the air.

The girl hurled her knives at the peek of her leap, but rather than hitting the targets themselves, the blades cut through the ropes suspending them in the air. Heavily weighted, the bullseyes began plummeting towards the earth.

Smirking, Tenshi grabbed six more knives and threw them at her falling targets. All the weapons hit dead center, just as they'd done before.

Gracefully Tenshi fell through the air and landed softly in her original spot. She smoothed back her hair (the accursed stuff was down to her shoulder blades now) and then began walking about, swiftly collecting her kunais.

"_Impressive_," Pein thought to himself. The Akatsuki leader was currently hiding in a tree several meters away, and was watching the young girl train_. "She's definitely got both the mental and physical capabilities to be a ninja. But we're going to have to do something about her clothing."_ It wasn't that Pein disapproved of Tenshi's apparel, but somehow, he doubted that a purple skirt and a shirt that labeled her as "daddy's girl", would strike fear into the hearts of her enemies.

Leaving the female to train in peace, the leader stealthily made his way back to the Akatsuki base. Tenshi smiled and looked towards the tree Pein had previously been in. "Just because I'm nine doesn't mean I can't sense chakra, you know," she muttered, before resuming her target practice.

--

As the leader of the Akatsuki, Pein had seen plenty of strange and unusual sights in his lifetime: Hidan's decapitated head yelling, Zetsu conversing with the begonias in the front yard, and Sasori and Deidara getting to third base on the living room couch (which was burned shortly thereafter). However, never had Pein encountered such a strange sight as the one that now met his eyes.

A small table had been set up in the center of the living room. Around the table sat Ahato, Boom, Amaifuyu, Heki, and Hakushi. The first three wore dresses, while the last two merely wore pained looks on their faces. In front of each person sat a table, laden with cookies, and a cup of brown liquid.

Ahato was grinning widely, sending shivers down Pein's spine. Her smile was not unlike the sadistic grin Sasori often wore while he murdered his victims. "Would you like more tea, Heki?" she asked politely.

"NO! Let me go!" he cried, struggling against some invisible bindings. Pein raised a brow. Exactly what was going on here?

"What's that? You would?" Ahato held up one hand, and lazily flicked her fingers. Heki's arm slowly raised itself up, and his fingers unwillingly curled and the handle of his teacup. Ahato was using chakra strings.

Resisting every step of the way, Heki slowly brought the cup to his lips, and resentfully sipped the beverage. "BLEH!"

Ahato frowned. "Behave, or I'll give Hakushi all your crumpets," the six-year-old warned.

"Boom, could you pass the napkins?" Amaifuyu requested. "I got some crumbs on my dress."

"Sure!" the girl replied, smiling as she handed the boy her napkin.

"Amai, run and get help!" Hakushi begged.

"Why? This is fun," the boy replied. "Plus I get to wear this pretty dress!"

"Forget the dress!" Hakushi snapped. The blue haired boy was desperate to escape his current predicament, and Amaifuyu was the only boy at the table not bound by Ahato's chakra strings. "You, me, and Heki are all guys, right?! We have to stick together!" The boy would have gone on, but Ahato flicked her wrist and forced Hakushi to cram half a dozen cookies into his mouth at once.

"Don't pay any attention to him, Amai," Ahato said, a satisfied grin creeping across her face as the blue haired boy nearly gagged on his cookies. "He's just being a jerk."

"Playing tea party is stupid!" Heki declared.

"Be quiet, or I'll blow you up!" Boom threatened, whipping out a clay spider from under the table to prove she meant her point. Once both Heki and Hakushi were pale and silent, she turned to Amaifuyu, giving him a sweet smile. "More cookies?" she offered him.

"Yes please!" Amaifuyu replied, eagerly holding out his plate for more sweets.

"You think Auntie Konan will do our hair after lunch?" Boom wondered aloud as Amaifuyu ate his cookies.

"Hopefully later today," Ahato replied, casually munching on a cookie in front of her. "Dei-dei's not here right now, and danna can't fix our hair like Dei-dei can."

"I want piggy tails!" Boom declared. Deidara absolutely refused to cut the redheads hair, so now both girls had hair going down to the middle of their backs.

"Mine's too short," Amaifuyu complained. Hidan had finally given the child a hair cut, and now the black strands of hair only came down to the tops of his shoulders. "Hey, what are you gonna do with Heki and Hakushi?"

"Hmm? Oh, I have plans," Ahato said. A wicked grin snuck across her face, and she looked at the two boys the same way a lion would look at a plump, defenseless lamb. "I think I'll take them back to our room, and we can play dress-up."

"Not that!" Heki screamed.

"Anything but that!" Hakushi wailed.

"Today we'll be using a fairytale theme," Ahato went on. "Boom and I will be the princesses, and Amaifuyu can be the queen. You two will be a court jester, and a knight." The blue-eyed girl snickered and rose to her feet. "Let's go play," she murmured softly, using both hands to guide the blue and orange haired boys out of the room, with her twin and Amaifuyu following closely behind her.

"NO!!!" the boys screeched as the disappeared from sight.

Pein carefully crept out of the room, after silently vowing to never speak of this incident to anyone. In fact, he needed to start trying to block this memory out right now…


	23. part 22

~~~~~~~~~~~four years later (my, aren't timeskips handy)~~~~~~~~~~

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

A blood-curdling shriek cut through the base early in the morning. Itachi, Sasori, Hidan, and Konan were all in the kitchen, making breakfast for the other members. The scream froze their work, and they all looked towards the weasel. "That sounded like Tenshi," Konan remarked.

Before Itachi could say anything in reply, his rather distraught-looking daughter rushed into the room, still dressed in her pjs with fear plastered all over her face. "Daddy, I need to go to the doctor!" she cried, before leaping at the weasel and burying her face in his chest.

"Tenshi, what's wrong?!" Itachi demanded, his normally monotone voice giving way to a concerned tone.

The girl looked up at her father with tears in her eyes. "I woke up, and I felt fine, and then I went into the bathroom, and, and…" her explanation turned into sobs.

"And what?" Konan gently prodded.

"There was blood in my underwear!" she exclaimed.

"_Oh crap_," the adults thought in unison.

"I've got internal bleeding! We have to go to a doctor, now, before I die!" Tenshi declared, tugging at her father's hand.

"Tenshi," Itachi began while digging his heels into the ground. "You're not dying."

The girl blinked up at her father, confused. "But I'm bleeding, daddy!"

"I know," the weasel continued, shifting nervously from side to side.

"This is gonna be good," Hidan snickered to Sasori, who nodded his head in agreement.

"Tenshi, when girls turn 12 or 13…their bodies start to change…it's all a part of growing up…" while the young girl continued to stare up at her father, Itachi turned his head to look at Konan, eyes begging for help.

"Tenshi, come with me," the blue-haired woman gently commanded as she held her hand out to the girl. "I'll explain everything." Eager for answers Tenshi rushed to the woman, and the duo soon exited the room.

As soon as they were gone, Hidan burst out laughing, whilst Itachi glared at him and slowly sank down into his chair. "Dear Jashin, that was hilarious!" the zealot declared, wiping a few tears from his eyes as he spoke.

"That _was_ rather entertaining," Sasori agreed with a smirk.

"Just wait until your children do that," Itachi forewarned, making the smile drop from Sasori's face.

"Man, I'm so glad Amai's not a bitch," Hidan stated, after finally getting his laughter under control.

"Nope. You just have the joy of telling your son why most boys don't dress in drag," Itachi countered.

--

Later that afternoon, Pein was making his normal rounds around the Akatsuki base, in order to both get away from his paperwork and make sure the members hadn't killed each other.

As he entered the living room, he found Ahato and Boom playing on the floor; Boom was molding a bit of non-explosive clay, while Ahato was practicing using two puppets at once. Not bad, for a couple of nine-year-olds. "Is there a reason you two are out here, and not in your room?" Pein inquired. The Akatsuki children had been moved out of their parent's rooms for a few years now, although the youth's rooms were directly next door to their parent's chambers.

Boom nodded, engrossed in her art, while Ahato actually took the trouble to look up at Pein. "We couldn't stay in our room, because Danna and Dei-dei were making happy noises."

"Happy noises?" Pein repeated.

"Uh-huh," Boom replied, her eyes still glued to the clay in her hands. "It's when they thump against the wall, and Dei-dei says 'un', a lot, and then they scream, and when we come in later, they're all sweaty and happy."

"But they always have to wash the sheets after they make happy noises, 'cause for some reason they get these weird stains on them," Ahato noted.

Pein stiffly walked out of the room, not daring to look at either of the girls as he left. Oh, the joys of being young and innocent.

As he continued down the hall, he crossed paths with Amaifuyu. The boy was growling under his breath, and tugging on the purple skirt he was currently wearing. "Hey Pein, have you seen mum?" the boy asked.

"Not lately. Why?"

"My skirt keeps riding up," the child complained, tugging on his skirt in order to emphasize his point. "I need mum to let it out, or get me a new one."

"We'll I'm sure Hidan-wait, did you say let it out?"

Amaifuyu nodded. "Mum hemmed it for me when I got it, so I think it'll still fit if he undoes the stitching." With that, Amaifuyu walked off, leaving Pein to wonder why in blazes Hidan had fixed the skirt, instead of Kakuzu. Wait, no, he should be wondering why 1) miser plus masochist equals crossdresser, and 2) how a couple of S-ranked criminals knew how to sew in the first place.

Shaking his head, the Akatsuki leader decided he needed a nice break, and walked in the direction of his room. Upon arrival, he grabbed the doorknob, slowly opened the door-

"OH MY GOD, THAT **THING** GOES INSIDE ME?!"

Well there went that idea.

"Yes Tenshi, that 'thing' goes inside you during sex," Konan said in a calm tone, as if she told twelve-year-old girls about sex every day. Pein remained stationary outside the door, and listened in on their conversation.

"Do all guys have those?" Tenshi asked.

"Of course!"

"Even Pein?" Ouch.

"Of course Pein does!"

"Does he put it inside you?"

"Erm-"

"Does it hurt?"

"In a good-"

"Do you make happy noises when he puts it inside you, like daddy and poppa do?"

Pein rushed down the hall and practically dove inside his office. A few hours of paperwork sounded lovely right about now.


	24. part 23

Tenshi was running towards the Akatsuki base a top speed, a huge smile painted on her face. The thirteen-year-old had a weapons' pouch strapped to her hip and a small backpack on her shoulders. Within the confines of that second bag were dried food, a change of clothes, and a small scroll that up until recently had been within the walls of a temple.

Yup, Tenshi had just returned from her first mission, and was eager to tell her parents about her success.

The girl had been begging to go on missions for a while now, but Pein wasn't comfortable with sending her out by herself, since the other children were obviously too young to go on assignments yet. On the other hand, the actual Akatsuki members were required to go on missions far too dangerous for Tenshi, which left the girl high and dry. Finally, an opportunity had presented itself to retrieve a scroll from a poorly guarded temple that wasn't too far from the base. Tenshi had jumped at the opportunity, and had been sent out two days ago.

The mission itself was easy, almost to the brink of disappointing. Tenshi had sneaked inside in order to avoid combat, retrieved the scroll, and bolted from the temple without anyone noticing. Perfectly executed, if she did say so herself.

Her smile grew even wider when the Akatsuki base came into her view, and she slowed down to approach the base at a leisurely pace. With a small smile, she entered the base, and quietly shut the door behind her. "I'm back," she called out, walking calmly through the living room.

"Tenshi!" Ahato and Boom were sitting on the couch, practicing with their art as usual. Boom leapt up and practically tackled the Sharingan user, while Ahato spared the girl and graced her with a smile. "How was it?" she asked.

"It was fine," Tenshi replied with the air of a veteran ninja. She carefully set Boom down, and began walking towards Pein's office.

When she arrived at the entrance, she took a deep breath before turning the handle and opening the door. The leader looked up at the sound, and smiled at Tenshi. "I take it you had no problems?"

"None at all," she replied, gently setting the scroll on the desk in front of Pein.

"Good. File your report and turn it in ASAP, understood?"

"Yes sir," Tenshi answered. With a slight bow, she exited the room.

As soon as she was gone, Pein sat back in his chair and let out a content sigh. "Yes sir. I'm going to be sad when she turns into her dad and just 'hn's at me."

Not saying a word, Tenshi walked down the hall and went straight into her room, silently shutting the door behind her. Once inside and alone, she let out a whoop and punched her fist into the air. "Yes!" she began dancing around. "Go me, go me, I did it, I did it-"

"Tenshi?" Kisame asked.

The girl froze in mid dance, and very, very slowly turned to look at her parents, who were now standing in the doorway and looking at their daughter like she'd grown a second head. "Are you feeling all right?" Itachi inquired with a raised brow.

"Hn," Tenshi replied, her mind desperately trying to come up with a plausible excuse. "It's my…hormones!"

"Hormones?" the shark and weasel repeated.

"Yes." She began sniffling. "I'm a growing female! I can't help how I feel!" with an overly dramatic sob, she slammed the door in their faces. Once she was positive the door was locked, she grinned form ear to ear. "Oh yeah, I'm good."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~days later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

The explosion reverberated through the base, startling most of the members and scattering Pein's paperwork all over his office.

"What was that?" the leader groaned from his seat.

"Boom," Konan replied as she began picking up the papers from the floor.

"I know it was an explosion-"

"No, Boom! Deidara's daughter!"

"Oh. Wait, why is she setting off bombs!?"

"Ever since Tenshi got back from her mission, the other kids want to go out too," the origami mistress explained. "They all have cabin fever to boot."

"I suppose I should do something about that," Pein thoughtfully stated.

"If you don't want this place to get blown to kingdom come," Konan agreed.

"Hmmm…" Pein snapped his fingers as an idea came to him. "Konan, tell the others to pack their bags. We're going on vacation."

The female blinked at her lover in surprise. "To where?"

"The beach."

--

All the members of the Akatsuki were highly dangerous criminals, trained in every skill necessary to be a great ninja and fully capable of putting those techniques to use.

As such, none of them were halfway qualified to control half a dozen children bouncing off the walls when they heard that they were going on vacation to nice, warm, sandy beach.

"Sweet, I can blow up a seagull!" Boom excitedly cried out.

"Not if I make puppets out of them first," Ahato vowed.

"Don't be ridiculous," Sasori cut in. "Seagulls make terrible puppets; and Boom, neither you nor Dei-dei are going to bring an explosives to the beach."

"Awww," the twins whined, blue eyes staring forlornly up at their father. "Danna's mean."

"It's still messed up how they call you danna," Hidan noted with a smirk.

"Mum, do I have anything to wear?" Amaifuyu inquired.

"You're Jashin-damned swim trunks," the masochist responded.

"But then my top's exposed!" the child cried out in alarm.

Hidan sighed and rubbed his temples. "Amai, boys normally wear shorts to the beach, not girl's swimsuits."

"No cross-dressing at the ocean!" Heki jeered.

"Be nice to Amaifuyu!" Hakushi commanded just before punching his brother to get his point across. Seconds later, the two were grappling on the ground and cursing enough to make Hidan proud.

"I'd like to remind you that it was _you_, not me, that wanted kids," Pein muttered to Konan as Kakuzu pried the twins apart from one another.

"I don't suppose there's any chance you and I could sneak out of this, is there?" Tenshi asked Itachi.

The weasel shook his head. "Forget it. Your poppa loves the sea."

"Hn."

"Hn."

--

Problems began as soon as the group arrived at the ocean. "Ahato, Boom, come here, un," Deidara ordered from his seat under an oversized beach umbrella.

"Why?" the redheads asked, standing mere inches away from the tantalizing salt water of the ocean.

"You're daywalkers like danna, so if I don't drench you guys in sunscreen you'll burn to a crisp, un," Deidara explained, already dipping his hands into a vat of sunscreen as big as his head.

Grumbling, the girls conceded and returned to their father to be slathered in the white cream. Heki and Hakushi were suffering a similar fate, while Amaifuyu was free to run about with no protection at all. "Damn kid got off lucky, getting your skin tone and everything," Hidan muttered to Kakuzu as he rubbed a large amount of sunscreen on his own pale skin.

In only a matter of minutes, though, everyone was back out on the beach and playing; well, almost everyone. Ahato and Boom were chasing seagulls, Amaifuyu (clad in swim trunks, amazingly) was combing the beach, and Heki and Hakushi were splashing around in the sea. Hidan, Deidara, and Tobi were also swimming in the ocean, Pein and Konan were walking along the sandy shore, and Sasori was watching his children with careful eyes, as were Kakuzu and Zetsu.

Kisame, meanwhile, was trying to drag Itachi and Tenshi out from under their beach umbrella. "Come on, you two," he coaxed gently.

"No," Itachi said.

"There's sunlight out there," Tenshi added.

Kisame narrowed his eyes slightly. "You both could use some sun. You're starting to look as pale as Pein, for PETA's sake."

"That's fine," Itachi stated.

"Better than getting skin cancer," Tenshi agreed.

"Hn."

By now, Kisame was very annoyed. "If you two don't come out of there now-" before he could complete his threat, two pairs of Sharingan eyes were staring at him, silently daring him to finish his sentence. "On second thought, do whatever makes you happy." The blood red pupils returned to their normal black and yellow states, making the shark shake his head and wander off towards the ocean.

Later that afternoon though, Tenshi did emerge from her hiding spot and swam alongside her dad in the sea. Even Itachi came out, but only walked along the edge of the beach.

By the time the day was over, everyone had at least dipped their toes in the water, Heki and Hakushi had both been attacked by aggravated crabs, Ahato and Boom had _somehow_ managed to get burned through the thick layer of sunblock covering their bodies, and all the parents were exhausted.

Needless to say, Pein got a few days of peace after that, which was exactly what he'd wanted.

After all, he needed the kids to be relaxed when he told them that they were all going to start having missions now.

--

A.N.: for those of you who don't know, daywalkers are like ginger kids, but no freckles. we burn under florescent lights XD


	25. part 24

The "take kids to the beach so they'll be tired when I tell them they're going on missions now" plan failed miserably, as Pein soon discovered. The news had the effects of a sugar high on the entire group. At least, until the leader explained how the teams would be divided.

The best way to operate would be to put Boom (a long-range type) on the same team as the Rinnegan user Heki, and Hakushi, a short-range fighter who used fists. The other team would be composed of Ahato (capable of fighting long or short-range), Tenshi (a short-range Sharingan wielder) and Amaifuyu.

Of course there were massive protests.

The biggest problem was that Boom and Ahato flat-out refused to be split up. The girls had never been separated by more than a few feet for their entire lives, and hell would freeze over before that changed. Ironically, Heki and Hakushi protested being put _together_ on a team. Tenshi and Amaifuyu did their best to stay out of the argument, not caring one way or the other how the situation would be resolved. Pein eventually conceded, and made the proper adjustments. The new teams were Ahato, Boom and Heki, and Tenshi, Hakushi and Amaifuyu. When they were older, the groups would be split into two person cells like the other members; but for the time being, they would work in trios.

His assigning now complete, Pein left the groups on their own to pick the squad leader. Not that it would matter much right now; Kisame and Konan would be the kids' teachers and leaders for a while, them being the only two with the patience to teach and lead.

Once he was gone, the youth immediately began arguing. "All right, since I'm the only guy on this team, I'm the leader," Heki declared.

Boom and Ahato both shot him flats looks. "What's that supposed to mean?" Boom demanded.

"Well obviously guys make better leaders than girls, so-Ahato, what are you doing with those chakra strings?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~five minutes later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Stop hitting yourself," Ahato commanded with a sick smirk and a flick of her wrist.

WHAM

"Stop hitting yourself," she repeated while moving her wrist again.

WHAM

"Stop hitting yourself." WHAM "Stop hitting yourself." WHAM "Stop hit-"

"Ahato, what are you doing?" Kisame inquired as he stepped into the room.

"Making sure that female superiority is deeply ingrained into this boy's head," she replied. With a sadistic grin, she turned her attention back to Heki and made the boy punch himself again. "Now, have you learned your lesson?"

"Yes!"

"And who's going to be team leader?"

"YOU!"

"'You', what?"

"You, ma'am!"

Ahato released her captive. "That's what I thought."

Kisame watched the whole scene from a distance and shook his head. The girl had definitely inherited Sasori's sadistic side. He then turned his attention to the severely injured Heki, who was now lying dazed on the ground with twin black eyes, among other wounds. "Come on," he muttered while hefting the boy to his feet. "Let's get you to the infirmary."

As the two walked out of the room, Hakushi turned to Tenshi, only to see the girl's Sharingan activated. "Don't even think about it. I've got Sharingan and seniority over you." The male gulped and nodded his head, while Amaifuyu merely smiled at the girl and adjusted his skirt.

Meanwhile, Kisame was practically carrying Heki down the hallway. "Damn, Ahato really did a number on you, huh?"

"…Dude, Ahato's hot when she's mad."

"Say that again, and Sasori's gonna beat the crap out of you and mount your credentials on the wall."

--

"Danna, Dei-dei, Ahato and I are going-ew, EW! Parents making out!" Boom cried as she shielded her eyes.

Sasori and Deidara broke their kiss long enough to look at their daughter. With a sigh, Deidara climbed off his lover's lap and sat down next to the redhead. Really, you'd think after thirteen years Boom would be used to seeing the artists lip-locked. "What is it, un?"

"Ahato and I are about to leave for our first mission," the redhead proudly stated, her blue eyes flashing happily at the thought.

"Don't forget your hairbrush and a change of clothes," Sasori warned.

Boom rolled her eyes. "Chill, danna, I've got everything packed!"

"That's what your father always said before we left on missions," Sasori recalled, "and he'd forget something every single time, and then he'd whine about it for hours. Fortunately, I eventually found some rather…pleasant ways of making him hush. Right, Dei-chan?"

"Gah, bad images!" Boom cried as she rushed out of the room.

"Some of those bad images are how you came into being, un!" Deidara called after her with a wide grin.

"AHHHHHH!"

The blonde chuckled as Sasori shook his head and smiled. "Are you quite done terrorizing our daughter now?"

"Yes, un." Sasori's smile grew wider as Deidara straddled his lap and wrapped his arms around Sasori's neck. "Now then, Sasori danna. Where were we, un?"

"Danna, Dei-dei, Boom and I are-ew, EWW!"

--

Tenshi watched Hakushi and Amaifuyu with an amused grin. Currently, the trio was gathered in the woods surrounding the Akatsuki base, waiting for Konan to arrive so that they could depart for their first mission together. The Uchiha had been on missions before, but the male teens had never seen more of a mission than one of their parents' reports, and were showing signs of nervousness. The thought made Tenshi smile; she was the veteran in this group, which would only cement her place as leader.

Konan appeared from out of nowhere at that moment, pulling the girl free from her thoughts. "All right, is everyone ready?"

The trio nodded. They'd packed all the basic necessities, and Amaifuyu was even sporting his weapon of choice; twin katanas with hooked tips, specifically designed to catch and tear human flesh.

"Amai, you really didn't need to bring your swords for this," Konan gently informed him.

"Mum says it's important to carry around your weapons to build up your endurance," Amaifuyu argued.

"_That's because your mum carries a fifty pound scythe,"_ Konan thought, but accepted the explanation with a nod. "If we're ready, we can move out. Our assignment is simple; break into a semi-fortified castle, and observe the occupants for any signs of enemy activity." It was a simple enough assignment, and the woman was fairly certain that the children were above it, but Pein insisted on giving them field experience before assigning any actual missions.

Konan smiled as she watched the teens rush ahead. It was odd to think that only a few years before, they'd been small children that didn't even know how to hold knives or make proper hand signs. And now, they were going on an actual mission.

"_They grow up so fast,"_ she thought, a loving smile painted on her face as a tear came to her eye. Quickly she brushed it away and ran up to the trio. She could cry later. Right now, she had to inform the kids that they were going the wrong way.


	26. part 25

"AHHHHHHH!"

Everyone in the kitchen looked up at the sound of the scream. "Déjà vu," Hidan muttered thoughtfully.

As if on cue, Ahato ran in to the room screaming with a teary Boom fast on her heels. "Sis is gonna DIE!" Boom wailed.

Deidara, of course, began to panic. "What's happened, un?!"

"I can guess," Itachi muttered.

"I-I was in the b-bathroom-"

"_Oh crap,"_ Sasori thought.

"-and there was _blood_ in my panties!" Ahato cried.

"I don't want sis to die!" Boom screamed.

"I don't wanna die!" Ahato added.

"…Erm, Ahato, sweetie, you're not going to die, un," Deidara began, his eyes darting to Sasori and begging for help.

"Come here," Sasori groaned after a moment. "I'll take you to see Konan. She'll explain everything." After the redheaded trio had departed, the others began speaking.

"Damn, now that I think about it, none of the kids but Tenshi have had sex ed," Hidan remarked as he sipped on his coffee.

"That's not good, un," Deidara stated. "We should probably get the boys now so Konan only has to give "the talk" one time, un."

"That's the first intelligent thing you've said in ye-"

"Don't finish that sentence, Uchiha, un."

--

Hours later Amaifuyu walked into the living room, looking nervous as his eyes darted around and he wringed his hands. Magenta pupils finally settled on the couch, and he smiled weakly. Target found.

Kakuzu watched calmly from his reclining position as his son crossed the room. He would have sat up on normal occasions to greet the boy, but at the moment Hidan was asleep and using Kakuzu as a body pillow, effectively pinning the miser down to the couch.

The banker propped his head up with one arm, the other hand still occupied tousling Hidan's silver locks. "What's wrong, Amai?" he inquired. Rarely if ever did his son look so distraught. The teen had inherited Hidan's ridiculously cheery nature, minus the constant bitching and whining.

"Well, um…Konan gave us a sex talk," the teen began.

"Yes?"

"And she told us how all that shit works…"

"Go on."

"But, erm…" Amaifuyu's tan skin darkened beneath his blush. "I kinda don't get how the hell I'm supposed to do it…without a bitch for a partner."

"Hmmm? What are you-oh, _oh_." Kakuzu sat up and gently shook the still-sleeping Jashinist on his lap. "Hidan, wake up."

"Huh?" the masochist slowly blinked his eyes open and looked up at the banker. "Kakuzu, what the hell? Dammit, I was-"

"Amaifuyu has some questions for you," Kakuzu interrupted.

"What about?"

"Sex."

"…Kuzu, Konan's supposed to be telling the kids that shit-"

"He needs to know how **we** do it. And I think it would be better coming from your point of view than mine."

By now, Hidan was wide awake. "Oh. Damn, why didn't you say so earlier, dumbass?" The zealot gave his lover a quick kiss before scrambling off Kakuzu's lap and sitting on the floor, motioning for Amaifuyu to do the same. "Amai, here's what you do…"

Kakuzu rose from his seat and exited the room. The conversation would be awkward enough without his added presence.

--

Several hours later, Pein began making his rounds through the Akatsuki base. He came across the children playing outside. Well, technically Tenshi was training with Heki, Hakushi was staring off into space with a dazed look on his face, and Boom and Ahato were curled up on the ground, looking as though the weight of the world was on their shoulders.

"Konan must have given them the talk," Pein decided. A frown crossed his face. Hmm, Amaifuyu was missing…choosing to investigate, the leader returned inside the base.

His search was relatively short, ending in the living room where he found Hidan sitting on the ground, talking, with Amaifuyu nearby, nodding and taking notes. Wait, why would Amai-

"And remember, his hands are occupied in that position, so you have to find something else to hold onto."

"But wouldn't daddy crush you like that?"

"Normally, so it's very fucking important to build up your back muscles before trying this shit. Now, the next position's called a 69-" At that point Pein bolted from the doorway. No wonder people discouraged eavesdropping. You never knew what bad mental images you were going to get from it…


	27. part 26

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~three years later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kakuzu walked into the living room, green eyes scanning the area for any signs of Amaifuyu. No luck. The only occupants in the room were Tenshi, Boom, and Ahato. "Have any of you seen Amai?" he inquired.

The twins shook their heads, and Tenshi gave a soft, 'hn', in reply.

"If you find him, let me know," he requested before departing. "I'll check and see if Heki or Hakushi know…" with that, the banker left the room.

The girls went back to playing for a few seconds, before Boom started. "Crap."

"What is it, sis?" Ahato asked.

"Guys, if he goes to Hakushi's room…"

Tenshi quickly figured out what the girl was hinting at and scrambled to her feet. "C'mon."

The girls bolted down the hallway, intent on getting some sort of warning to their friends. Their hearts sank as Kakuzu reached the boy's door, and slowly turned the knob. "Hakushi, have y-WHAT THE HELL?!"

There, sitting on Hakushi's bed were Amaifuyu and Hakushi, lip-locked with Hakushi's fingertips under the hem of Amaifuyu's skirt.

--

Minutes later the entire organization was gathered for a meeting in the kitchen. "Explain," Pein demanded as he glared at the two boys.

"We were just kissing when Kakuzu walked in on us," Hakushi replied with a shrug. His arm was wrapped tightly around Amaifuyu's waist, fearful that the cross-dresser would be ripped away from him if he so much as let Amaifuyu go for even a second.

"Why the hell was your hand up Amai's skirt?!" Hidan snapped.

"Mum, he was outside the panties, dammit," Amaifuyu reasoned.

"That's beside the point!" Hidan snapped.

"Hidan has a point," Pein agreed.

At this, Hakushi became defensive. "Why are you yelling at me, pops!? Heki and Ahato have been sucking face every chance they get for the last six months-"

"WHAT?!" Sasori screeched.

"Oops," Hakushi murmured.

"Oops doesn't even begin to cover it, un!" Deidara screamed as he began to advance on the accused boy. "I hope you're prepared to be an only child, Hakushi, because when I get-"

"Dei-dei, don't!" Ahato begged as she lunged for her father. Tragically, she bumped her sister's elbow on accident, making the girl stumble. The real problem, though, came in the form of a small sculpted bird falling from Boom's pocket and clattering across the floor.

Curious, Deidara picked up the item and turned it over in his hands. "To my love," he read softly. All was quiet in the room for a minute. And then: "Boom, what's this, un?"

Tenshi sighed and walked towards the girl, who looked very much like a deer caught in the headlights at the moment. May as well let the cat out of the bag. "I'm guessing it's an anniversary present for me," Tenshi said as her arms wrapped around Boom's waist. "Since as of today, we've been going out for a year."

--

At the statement, all hell broke loose.

Deidara stormed towards his daughter and ripped her away from Tenshi. "I'll die before I let an Uchiha touch my children, un!" he hissed out as he dragged Boom away.

"Dei-dei, let me go!" Boom screamed as she struggled against her father's iron grip.

"Boom-" Tenshi began.

Before the female could advance, Itachi was there to block her. "Let's go, Tenshi."

"Daddy-"

"Tenshi, there's no reasoning with him now," the Uchiha explained while calmly leading his daughter away. Sasori had already grabbed Ahato and pulled her away, his glare being more than enough to keep Heki at bay. The male loved Ahato, but getting himself killed was definitely not the best way to show it.

Hakushi and Amaifuyu were proving more of a challenge, though. Predicting a forcible separation after Deidara's outburst, the boys had latched on together and were now clinging to one another for dear life. Kakuzu was finally able to detach the two of them with the aide of his threads, and carried Amaifuyu over his shoulder as he exited the room. "Hakushi-" the effeminate teen whined.

"It'll be ok, babe!"

"Don't call my son babe, you fucking pig!" Hidan screamed before chucking a kunai at the male.

Konan was quick to block the weapon, though, and watched with anxious eyes as the various members departed for their quarters. "Pein-"

"Kids, go to your room," the leader ordered as he shepherded the twins out of the living room. Konan could only watch in silence and shake her head. Well this was wonderful.

--

*Sniff, sniff* Boom cried softly into her pillow, her body shaking from her sobs. The twins were currently in their room, waiting for their parents to come in and talk to them.

Ahato was seated beside her twin, rubbing circles into the younger girl's back. "You ok?" she asked, despite knowing the answer already.

"No I'm not!" Boom declared as she jerked her face out of the pillow to look up at her sister. "An hour ago Tenshi and I were perfectly happy, and now everything's ruined!" With a sob, she returned her face to her pillow.

"Boom, it's not that bad-"

"Not that bad?! You heard what Dei-dei said, and you know he's not gonna change his mind!" Boom screeched. Her body began to shake as tears rolled down her face. "I hate him."

"No you don't-"

"Yes I do! I hate him I hate him I HATE HIM!" she screamed while punching her pillow repeatedly. Finally the girl simply collapsed, crying weakly into the fluffy bed accessory.

Ahato shook her head and sighed. Her sister was probably right. And there was no telling what Sasori was going to do with Heki now…

Meanwhile, the artists were arguing over their children's fate. "Dei, you're being unreasonable-"

"Oh, so you want our child dating an Uchiha, un?!"

"She's not 'an Uchiha', Deidara, she's Tenshi. The girl you helped nurture and raise, remember?"

The blonde hmmphed and stormed across the room to flop down onto their bed, arms crossed in front of himself. "That girl's still the spawn of Itachi, un. One day, those damn Uchiha eyes will decide that Boom's not good enough, and she'll just toss her aside, un!"

"Deidara, they've been together since Boom was born," Sasori reasoned as he sat beside his lover. "You heard Tenshi; they've been going out for a year. The time where judgment could have affected things has come and gone."

"It's still wrong, un. Tenshi's legally an adult, and Boom's just sixteen!"

"This coming from the person dating the man who's old enough to be his father?"

"…"

--

Meanwhile, Tenshi was moping in her room. She'd been able to retrieve Boom's sculpture (after Deidara had thrown it aside in his fit of rage) and was now turning the small creation over in her hands. She didn't look up when the door to her room opened, only sparing a glance upwards when she felt a weight on the side of her mattress.

Kisame had come to talk. "Tenshi, don't be too mad at Deidara. He's just-"

"Filled to the brim with loathing for my father and our kekka genkai?"

"…Well, yeah, actually." The girl sighed, making Kisame panic. "I thought the years of living together would change that, but I guess when it comes to Deidara's kids, no dice." Great job, now Tenshi looked like she wanted to kill herself. "But Tenshi, you have to remember that Deidara helped raise you, and he knows you're the one that saved Ahato and Boom after the base was invaded. Give him some time; he'll come around."

"What do I do until then?"

"Can you think of any way to persuade him to let you date Boom?"

The girl thought for a minute. "Challenge him to a duel for her hand?"

"…Let's try something else."

--

Amaifuyu's crying was interrupted by Hidan entering his room. "The hell do you want, mum?" he sniffled.

Hidan ignored the question and sat down on the edge of the teen's bed. "I'm here to talk."

"About what?! How Hakushi's a lousy pick?! How I'm gonna burn in hell for dating a heathen-"

"If that last one were the case, do you think I'd still be with your father?"

"…Yeah, actually."

Damn. The kid had him there. "Amai, your father and I were just fucking startled, that's all. I mean, damn, why didn't you tell us before about you two?"

"We've only been together for three months, damnit," Amaifuyu weakly argued.

"That's three months you were lying to your Jashin-damned father and me," Hidan countered.

Amaifuyu looked down at his feet, hands tightly clutched in his lap. "Is daddy gonna kill me?"

"No."

"What about Hakushi?"

"That's iffy at the moment." Hidan began to panic when Amaifuyu started crying again. "For Jashin's sake, Amai, his hand was up your damn skirt when we found out!"

"And how long did it take you and dad to start doing that?!"

"Amaifuyu, that shit's completely different."

"HOW?!"

"Because your father and I became partners when I was fourteen, we didn't date until I was seventeen, and I was nineteen before we fucked!"

"…Oh."

"That's all you can say?!"

"But I've known Hakushi since we were babies!" Amaifuyu argued. "It's not like I just found some bitch on a street corner and brought them home!"

"But you've only been dating for a few Jashin-damn months! What happens if he breaks your heart after you've done all this shit?!"

"I break his neck, but until then let me live my life, damnit!"

"Amai…" Hidan rose from his seat. "If you want to do this, I'm not gonna protest. But I need to talk with your father about this, 'k?"

"Why?!"

"Because Kuzu and I aren't gonna take sides on this," Hidan explained as a smile crossed his face. "So I'm gonna have to persuade the dumbass."

Amaifuyu pulled his father into a hug. "Thanks mum."

"Don't thank me until Kuzu's convinced."

--

"You really mean that, un?" Deidara asked hopefully.

"Yes," Sasori replied with a smile. Finally, he'd made some ground for Tenshi's case. "They'll go out, and if Tenshi breaks Boom's heart, I'll turn her into a puppet while she's still alive and breathing." Actually the puppet master had no intent to fulfill that threat under any circumstance, but would say anything to settle the blonde's ruffled feathers.

Deidara pounced on him and gave the redhead a kiss. "You're the most amazing danna in the world, un."

"I know," Sasori said as he held the blonde to his chest. Now to tell his daughters.

--

"…and if either one of them come crying to me because one of you screwed up, I will beat the living daylights out of you!" Konan declared. The female was currently towering over her two cowering sons, and giving them a long talk about relationships.

"G-got it m-m-mom," Heki said.

"Yeah, got it," Hakushi quickly agreed.

"And Heki…"

"Y-yes?!"

"If you ever get to the point of having sex with Ahato, get some condoms and pills for her. I refuse to become a grandma so young in life!" She turned her head to Hakushi. "And you!"

"EEP!"

"No matter what, don't take bets that you can have sex with a female Amaifuyu, so you get him drunk and sleep with him, and then accidentally knock him up! It's not worth it!"

"Erm…ok?"

"Good," the woman said with a smile. "I'm glad we had this talk." Her work complete, Konan left the room.

"…Hey, Heki?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you think that last thing was about?"

"Hell if I know."


	28. part 27

Tenshi and Boom were cuddling on the couch with the redhead comfortably reclining on her girlfriend's body, her head nestled against the elder's breasts. "This is nice."

"What?" Tenshi prodded.

"Not having to hide 'us' for fear of Dei-dei's wrath," Boom replied with a smile.

"Hn," Tenshi agreed as she looked to the ceiling. The female winced a moment later and glanced down to see that Boom had bit her boob. "Ouch."

"Sorry," the younger girl muttered as she kissed the bitten area gently. "But you know I can't understand you when you 'hn' at me." Tenshi nodded and began stroking the girl's head. "Hey, Tenshi?"

"Hmm?"

"How did you get Itachi to forgive you so quickly?" Nearly every child in the base had been grounded for varying lengths of time after their relationships were dragged into broad daylight. Tenshi was the lone exception to this rule.

With a devious Uchiha smirk, the girl laughed. "I have my ways."

--

"_But daddy-"_

"_Hn," Itachi replied._

"_It's not-"_

"_Hn."_

"_That never-"_

"_Hn."_

"_Hn!"_

"_Hn. And that's final."_

_Tenshi was seething by now. "That's not fair!"_

"_Tenshi, you lied to your poppa and me for a year."_

"_You lied to me before!"_

"_When have I ever lied to you?!"_

"_You told me I'd grow a dick when I got older!"_

"…"

"…"

"_Hn."_

_--_

Boom watched her girlfriend warily as the dark-haired girl began cackling madly. "Erm, Tenshi? You've got that scary look in your eyes again." The Uchiha's attention quickly returned to her little love. With a predatory grin, she flipped them over and pinned Boom down to the couch. "Eek!"

Tenshi smirked and began kissing her girlfriend. Life was good.

--

"Hidan, this is wrong."

"Shh! They'll hear us, dumbass!"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes but did as instructed. Currently, he and Hidan were outside the base, watching Amaifuyu. Or, to be more exact, spying on Amaifuyu and Hakushi's date.

The banker reluctantly followed his lover into the local village that lay several miles away from the safety of the Akatsuki base. Rarely if ever did the actual members of the Akatsuki go into the town; their children, however, were another matter altogether.

Being teens, they loved to venture out of the house and see what the world had to offer them. TV had long since ceased to be an adequate form of entertainment for the youth; they required actually going out and experiencing things. Perhaps that was why they'd entered into relationships with one another so suddenly…

Kakuzu's train of thought was interrupted as he saw Amaifuyu and Hakushi disappearing into a local restaurant. He and Hidan had already henged into the forms of common villagers, and thus were able to quickly follow the duo into the eatery.

The Jashinist studied the young couple from the other side of the restaurant with a scrutinizing gaze, his head propped up by pale hands that were folded together in a praying position. The sight was enough to make the banker smirk. Hidan had been the one to convince Kakuzu that Amaifuyu's being with Hakushi was a good thing, and now the zealot insisted on stalking the two around town not but a few weeks later. He wondered if perhaps Hidan had changed his opinion on the boy; the Jashinist could be fickle at times, and there were very few things that came before Amaifuyu in his heart.

"Are you second guessing your choice to let Amai date?" Kakuzu inquired as he sipped on his water. The clear, tasteless liquid was the only free thing this place offered, and the banker really didn't feel like spending money _and_ being forced to do reconnaissance on his own son at the same time.

"Hell no," Hidan replied. "Just watching them."

"Uh-huh."

"At least Hakushi's buying them food, dumbass. That's more than what you did for me back then."

Oh great. Now he'd riled the Jashinist. What to do…hmm, food usually calmed Hidan. "Hidan, if I buy you a sandwich now, will you quit whining about the food you were 'denied' in the past?"

"Aw, thanks Kuzu!" The Jashinist grinned and quickly leaned across the table to give his lover a kiss.

Wait, what? Kakuzu swore to himself as he realized that he'd just agreed to pay for a meal_. "Damn him…"_

"Please, Hakushi?"

The miser and masochist's attention suddenly refocused on the boys at the sound of Amaifuyu's voice. They turned to see their son pouting at Hakushi, while the blue-haired boy frowned at him. "Amai, you'll get sick if you eat more."

"But I haven't had dango in forever!"

"No."

Amaifuyu's eyes grew wide and watery. "Pwease, Kushi?"

The boy hesitated for a moment more before sighing and sinking down in his seat. "Fine. We'll get some dessert."

Amaifuyu broke out into a wide grin and leaned across the table to embrace his boyfriend. "Thanks!"

"Déjà vu," Kakuzu muttered softly as he watched the teens split an order of dango.

--

Once their meal was finished, the duo walked further into town to do a bit of shopping for Amaifuyu. The teens window-shopped for quite a while before disappearing into a clothing store. Kakuzu had to chuckle as Amaifuyu unwillingly dragged Hakushi into the boutique; he knew the blue-haired boy's pain all too well.

Kakuzu would have been happy to simply sit near a fountain outside the store, but the zealot wouldn't hear of it. The strange bit of motherly instinct Hidan had developed over the years demanded that he follow his child inside, in order to scope out any clothing the teen might buy. Kakuzu, of course, was forced to follow his partner inside the establishment.

The miser and masochist began to calmly browse the store's wares under the pretense of locating something for their daughter's birthday. The manager left them alone, which meant that the duo were free to spy on the boys. Mostly Hakushi was made to hold outfits that Amaifuyu pulled off the rack, and then had to stand outside the changing room and wait for his boyfriend to put on the items and show them off for Hakushi to see. Nothing too exciting happened, until-"Hakushi, what do you think of this?"

All parties turned to look at Amaifuyu.

The cross-dresser was wearing a purple midriff top with a black skirt that barely covered his thighs. Knee-length onyx boots with violet laces completed the look.

He smiled an adorable smile at his boyfriend and looked at the male hopefully, eyes wide and begging for a compliment of some sort. "Well?"

"…It's lovely," Hakushi muttered in a dazed voice.

"Hmm? Kushi, are you ok?"

"Uh-huh. Sure babe. I'll be right back." Amaifuyu watched with wide, confused eyes as his boyfriend stumbled out of the store. Hidan and Kakuzu, naturally, decided to follow the male.

They watched with great interest as Hakushi staggered across the street and stopped in front of the fountain. With a quick jerk forward, the male dunked his head under the water, and held it in place for a few minutes.

"…Is he trying to drown himself?" Hidan inquired

"…"

"Dumbass?"

"…"

"Look, do you know what he's doing or not?!"

"Yeah, I do."

"Then tell me, damnit!"

"I can't."

"Why the hell not?!"

"It's a seme thing. You wouldn't understand."

"…Oh."

By this time, Hakushi had reemerged from the fountain. With a shake of his head, the teen stood up, smoothed his now-soaked locks back into place, and turned around to walk back into the boutique. He needed to get back, before Amaifuyu started to worry.

Kakuzu had to give the male credit. He had damn good self-restraint.

--

The miser and masochist followed from a semi-safe distance as the two teens began their homeward trek. Amaifuyu was practically skipping with joy, And Hakushi was following along behind, carrying a few shopping bags that his boyfriend had somehow convinced him to bear. "Thanks for going into town with me," Amaifuyu suddenly called out. "It scares the crap outta me to go into that place all alone."

"No problem, babe." Hakushi scowled a bit when Amaifuyu slowed his pace, until the two were walking side by side. "What's wrong?"

The uke turned his head to look up at his boyfriend. "Hakushi, my feet hurt," he whined in a pitiful voice.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Carry me, damnit."

"Amai-"

"Pwetty pwease, Kushi?" the cross-dresser begged, eyes wide and pitiful.

Hakushi felt all his willpower melt away at the sight, and nodded his head. "All right. But just this once."

Amaifuyu quickly leapt onto his boyfriend's back, and wasted no time in wrapping his arms around the blue-haired male's neck. "Thank you Hakushi," he crooned while lovingly nuzzling his face in the seme's neck.

"Don't mention it, babe," Hakushi murmured as he restarted their trek.

Kakuzu took the entire scene in, shaking his head all the while. "Hey dumbass, what's wrong?" Hidan inquired, tone carrying a bit of worry in it.

"It's true what they say."

"Hmm? What's that?"

Slowly, Kakuzu turned his head and looked down at his lover. "Daughters really do grow up to be like their mothers."

WHAM

--

Later that night, the teens were gathered in the living room to watch a movie. Tenshi and Boom hadn't bothered to move from their spots on the couch for the whole day (too busy making out and what have you) and were still cuddling when Hakushi and Amaifuyu entered the room. "Have fun?" Boom inquired from her position on Tenshi's lap.

"Yup!" Amaifuyu chirped. "What movie's on tonight?"

"Dunno," the redhead replied. "Sis is supposed to bring it."

As if on cue, the other artistic twin appeared in the doorway, her hand raised in an all-too-familiar pose. "What did I say about arguing with me?" she hissed.

A panicked male voice immediately answered her. "I'm sorry! I didn't-" his apology was interrupted by a flick of Ahato's wrist, followed by a loud crash that sounded distinctly like a body being thrown against a wall.

Another jerk of the girl's wrist brought a bruised and battered Heki into view. "It doesn't matter what excuse you use," she calmly informed her boyfriend. "The fact remains that you disobeyed me." Her fingers twitched, and the male was made to walk closer and closer, until only a few inches separated the duo. Grinning, Ahato leaned forward, and now their lips were a hair's breath away from each other's. "And for that," she whispered with a dark grin, "you will pay _dearly_."

You could easily see the delight in Heki's eyes. The two of them had a rather unorthodox relationship, to say the least, and it didn't take too much imagination to guess what kind of things they'd engage in once they were allowed into each other's bedrooms. For the time being, they were content to play mental games with one another that occasionally led to physical interaction.

The other youth had grown used to these displays and rarely thought anything of them anymore. "Sis, did you get the movie?"

"Right here," Ahato replied, holding up the DVD case for all to see yet never breaking eye contact with Heki. Finally, she leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. Immediately afterwards his body slumped forward, and the male stumbled a bit. He'd been released from Ahato's chakra strings. "Love slave," Ahato began.

"Yes?!"

"I hunger. Fetch me nourishment." The boy immediately ran off into the kitchen, presumably to make popcorn for the movie.

Ten minutes later, everything was set to watch their film. Boom and Tenshi were sitting on one end of the couch, with Ahato reclining on the other end. Hakushi was sitting on the floor, with Amaifuyu back pressed against his chest as the boy nestled in between the seme's legs. All that was missing were Heki and the snacks.

The male finally appeared in the doorway, balancing several soda cans in one hand and a bowl filled to the brim with popcorn in the other. How he ever made it to the coffee table would forever remain a mystery; but, in the end, all that mattered was that he made it.

After handing everyone their cans, he finally gave Ahato her soda. "Here, my darling."

The girl smiled and gently pecked him on the cheek. "Thank you dear. Now sit and cuddle!" Instantly the girl was lifted and transported into her boyfriend's lap. Heki then started kissing the nape of her neck while the girl sipped on her soda, a smug look on her face.

Tenshi rolled her eyes and pressed the play button on the DVD remote. If she didn't see the elder members of the Akatsuki going at it all the time, she'd wonder how relationships as strange as the ones that existed amongst her friends could possibly work.


	29. epilogue

Pein looked around at the teens standing in his office. He'd managed to gather Tenshi, Boom, Ahato, Heki, Hakushi, and Amaifuyu all at once without any bloodshed. Quite frankly, the leader was rather proud of himself. "You wanted to speak with us?" Tenshi inquired.

Pein waited a moment longer to look at the now eighteen-year-old female. Midnight blue hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, eyes half-lidded with indifference, black shirt and matching capris…she looked more and more like her Uchiha parent each day.

"I have a mission for all of you," Pein explained calmly. "I feel it best to inform you that for this assignment, you'll be working in two man cells-"

Boom interrupted him to jump and down, squealing happily. "Finally!" she cried, messy red locks falling into her face.

Pein smirked to himself at the sight. He was actually somewhat grateful for the girl taking an interest in bombs. An unexpected explosion had singed off a few inches of her hair, and now the locks barely hung down to the girl's shoulder. In contrast, Ahato's waist-length hair was held in place by a braid. After many long years, it was finally posiible to tell the difference between the teens.

"How long's the mission gonna be?" Amaifuyu asked.

"It's a fairly long assignment. Roughly…two years."

Now he had the kids' attention. None of their missions had ever lasted more than a fortnight; the lone exception to this occurred when a typhoon delayed Tenshi's return by nearly three weeks. So to be gone for that length of time…well, it was just unheard of. "What's the assignment?" Hakushi asked.

Pein now openly smirked at the youth. "Kids, your parents became Akatsuki due to their talents and strengths. Being a member of this organization is by no means a birthright; it's something you have to earn."

"So," Tenshi began, "what you're saying is-"

"Go out into the world and cause a little mayhem. Show the rest of humanity that you deserve to be feared. When two years is up, we'll decide if you belong in the Akatsuki or not."

"What happens if you decide that we don't belong?" Heki inquired.

"Oh, not much. You'll just have to live the rest of your life knowing that you disappointed your parents and everyone you've ever cared about in the world."

"…"

"You have one hour to get ready and say your goodbyes. Now go!"

--

"Whip…handcuffs…Boom, do you think I should take a collar or not?" Ahato inquired whilst filling her backpack to the brim with X-rated items.

Boom took a moment to inwardly grimace and decide that she really did NOT want to know what her sister was planning on doing with those items. "No. Just make Heki wear it. It'll be one less thing to pack." Ahato grinned and nodded before setting the collar aside. "Hey, which puppets are you taking?" Boom inquired.

"Just this one," Ahato admitted while holding up the doll Sasori had made for her at Christmas.

"Why? Danna would give you some of his-"

"But they're _his_, sis, and not mine," Ahato stated as if her reasoning should have been the most obvious thing in the world. "I'm only going to take this. I'll make my own while Heki and I are on the road."

"Danna showed you how to make them?"

The elder twin nodded. "Yup. He even taught me how to seal them in a scroll."

Boom nodded as she crammed a few more pounds of clay into her backpack. Seeing that nothing else would fit, she zipped the top closed and hefted the item onto her shoulders with a grunt. "Ready?"

"Yeah. Let's go." With a nod, the two girls walked out of their room for the last time in a two year span.

--

Amaifuyu had just slipped his spare set of glasses into his bag when a knock was heard at the door. "Coming," he called out while walking across the room. When he opened the door, his magenta eyes fell on Kakuzu.

The banker stepped inside the room as Amaifuyu stepped backwards, smiling up at his father. "Hey dad. What's up?"

"Hidan and I wanted to give you a little extra spending money before you left," Kakuzu admitted before reaching into his cloak and extracting a few bills. Each group had already been assigned a small budget, so to see the banker willingly giving out even more money was quite a shock.

"Holy shit, you're giving me cash?!"

"You and Hakushi aren't used to being out in the wild, so this is to help you at first," the miser explained. "But Amai, only use this in an emergency. You two aren't allowed to have any contact with any Akatsuki members once you leave the base. So spend it wisely."

Amaifuyu nodded as he accepted the money and hugged his father in one move. "Don't worry dad, I know how to be frugal, damnit."

Kakuzu smiled and returned the embrace. "That's my boy."

--

Hours later, the entire organization was gathered outside the base to see their children off. Most of the parents were simply staying near their offspring, trying to cram in a little bit of last-minute parent/child time. Konan was taking it the worst, and was actually crying while hugging her sons tightly. "My babies are all grown up now," she whispered before breaking into another batch of sobs.

"Mom, could you please let us go?" Hakushi wheezed out. The woman's grip on her sons was choking off all their air, and the twins were close to fainting.

Finally, it was time to go. The problem was, Tenshi and Boom had seen fit to disappear in the midst of all the farewells. "Where are those two?" Pein demanded.

"Hn," Itachi replied with a shrug.

"Maybe they already left, un?"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Everyone looked up to see a series of explosions light up the twilight sky, the sounds of the explosives echoing throughout the area. "Deidara, is this come kind of farewell gift?" Sasori inquired.

"No, un!"

When the smoke finally cleared, a large hawk could be seen hovering it the sky. Atop it sat two females; one a redhead, the other sporting dark-blue hair. "See ya!" Boom called out with a laugh.

"That's our cue, I guess," Ahato muttered thoughtfully. With a smirk, she looked to Heki and motioned towards the forest before them. "Come on. There's no way in hell my little sis is going to become an infamous criminal before me." Nodding, Heki ran westwards after the girl into the woods.

Amaifuyu and Hakushi seemed to catch on, and seconds later they were off as well, heading to the south.

"There they go," Pein murmured softly.

Deidara began sniffling nearby. "My little girls are off to go and kill people just like I raised them to." Soon he and Konan were crying together, with Tobi joining in a moment later.

"Life's going to be rather quiet without them around. **Quiet? More like boring**," Zetsu declared.

"I'm going back inside to rework the budget now," Kakuzu stated as he turned to depart. Hidan soon followed, and seconds later the duo was gone.

"I wonder what we'll hear about them," Sasori wondered aloud.

Pein could only shrug. "Who knows?"

"Itachi?" Kisame asked.

"Hn?"

"You think she'll be ok?"

Itachi didn't look to his lover. Rather, he stared up at the bird that was carrying his daughter away from him.

Tenshi looked down to the earth, eyes scanning the familiar landscape for the last time in a long while. Eventually, her golden eyes traveled back to the base itself, and locked with her fathers.

For a moment, the world seemed to freeze.

And then, without batting an eye, Tenshi grinned and extracted a very familiar ANBU mask from her pack. She slipped it onto her face for Itachi to see and then spun around in her seat. Now she was looking away from her parents, her past, and all she'd ever known, to focus her attention on Boom, the sky, and the future before her.

And as the children disappeared from sight, Itachi couldn't help but smile. "She'll be all right. I know it."


End file.
